Marriage

[deadohsky]

Just curious of everyone's thoughts. I would like to get views from both the married side and happily unmarried side.

I have been with my girlfriend for 11 years now. We have talked about getting married, she is more into it than i am though. Let me be clear, it has nothing to do with my feelings for her, I love her more than anything, but i honestly just don't want to get married.

Through some of my postings i believe i have made my position on 'god' clear, i don't believe. That is my first issue with marriage. I see it as a christian institution first and foremost. That bugs the hell out of me. I would be completely uncomfortable during the whole ceremony standing in front of a priest that i don't believe i single word of what comes out of his mouth. I neither want nor need my relationship or love confirmed or sanctioned by 'god'.

Second is i don't see why the government has to be involved. To me, marriage should be left to the two people involved. I don't understand why being sanctioned by the government as a couple should have any weight to it. Relationships get messy when god and the government get involved. That is what marriage is to me; a religious ceremony sanctioned by the government.

Third is i believe people in committed relationships that choose not to get married and later have a falling out, are more likely to continue a relationship on some level. Once you get married, from my point of view, you are restrained. I wouldn't want to get a divorce. I'd more than likely be miserable trying to save the relationship if for nothing else to avoid a divorce. If you have issues with your partner, lawyers, money, and possessions all get involved and there seems to be a lot more bitterness and or contempt between the couple as a result and they won't want anything to do with one another once it is finished.

Am i completely off base here?

I already consider her to be my wife. Being officially married wouldn't add anything to our relationship as i see it.

[Premium Parrots]

get that man a fleshlite..........quick

[precious007]

get that man a fleshlite..........quick

looooooooooooooooooooooool

@doshky

To a certain extent, partially what you said is true... but that's how things work out in this world...

if you don't feel like getting married just don't....

Love will remain love without being married .....

There are a lot of things of why a relationship has to be legalized at some point.... such as posessions .... secureness .... owning the same name .... and so .... on....

[captncaveman]

I have been married for 6 years. She was into the idea of marriage i wasn't.. but we got married anyway. I'm with you on the religion stand point. I was happy being common law. But to make her happy we got married. If you are feeling forced to marriage DON'T DO IT. I wish i haven't gotten married. We are still married and happy but if divorce is on the horizon I am in the same boat, live in misery to avoid losing everything. As for the idea of keeping the relationship in some level after thats is up to you and your partner and how you both left it.

I would just keep the relationship were it is.

[rickcharles606]

You make some valid points on why you don't want to go through the ceremony itself, and against the institution itself. I've been married three, yes three times. The first two were incredible mistakes and as you pointed out were just disasters during the divorce and still today are difficult. After my second divorce I took one other vow....NEVER TO MARRY AGAIN.

Like you, my current wife and I lived together for some time unmarried...I was cool with it, but she wasn't as "cool with it", lol. I realized how important it was to her, and eventually did it. Glad I did too, she's the best thing that's ever happened to me. What really pushed me over the top in the decision was that I KNEW that I'd be with her for the rest of my life (I never felt this way about my ex's...I was a horrible husband to them) , even if we didn't get married....so I figured why not?
It was important to her, so we got married at the courthouse and that's all. No ceremony, no fuss...just a happy woman.

I'm probably the last guy to give advice on this subject because of the two previous marriages, but I've lived and learned. I truly wish I had met my current wife 20 yrs ago, but she would have been 10, lol. If you have a great relationship now....a piece of paper isn't going to make or break it. I hope you're as lucky as I am now...I am so happily married to a woman that I love more than anything in this world, and she's my best friend. Good luck bro!

[captncaveman]

Richard- from your previous marriages did you have any kids. If so did you manage to keep a good relationship with them due to the divorces were a huge mess? I'm not planning a divorce in my near future but you never really know what will happen. I have a few kids and not being able to see then every day would destroy me. Any tid bits from a guy thats been down that road would be nice.

Sorry Deadohsky for stealing you thread for a few minutes.

[rickcharles606]

Richard- from your previous marriages did you have any kids. If so did you manage to keep a good relationship with them due to the divorces were a huge mess? I'm not planning a divorce in my near future but you never really know what will happen. I have a few kids and not being able to see then every day would destroy me. Any tid bits from a guy thats been down that road would be nice.

Sorry Deadohsky for stealing you thread for a few minutes.

Yes, two boys(planned) from the first marriage, and one girl (she stopped taking her birth control) from the second. My kids are everything to me, I love them more than my own life...most parents understand this feeling. I divorced both women because I just didn't love them, and it was unfair of me to treat them the way I did. By that, I mean I was unfaithful a lot. I was in the military during my first marriage and deployed quite a bit, so it was easy to just seperate myself from her. My second marriage should never have happened...and didn't last very long at all..but not before she stopped taking her birth control and got pregnant. Although, she gave me my baby girl...so that counts for something I suppose. Okay...the phrase "a woman scorned...." is sooooooo true. When a woman you're divorcing is also the mother of your children....the courts will let her F U C K you until the kids get out of college. She will lawyer up and she and that lawyer will systematically drain your bank accounts, and your desire to continue fighting them.

Laws are getting better for Dads though, but not much better. Make sure you get joint or shared custody...because once divorced she can move to another state if you don't. Both of my ex's tried to move to other states immediately after the divorce. Children do complicate a divorce, but only because the mother usually tries to use them against the father...and attorneys exploit this desire to hurt the "bad man". About 7yrs ago, both of my ex's joined forces against me and began sharing information, and really busting my balls. When my career took off and money started rolling in....they were just looking to get paid. They kept filing motions to change custody arrangements, and I kept fighting...the only people that win are the attorneys. Most of this animosity was created by me though, because I was a cheating asshole then. If one could remove infidelity from the mix...then I fully believe that a divorce can be far more amicable, and child centered.

I have left out so many horrible details of my divorces and custody battles, lol....the pain and suffering a pissed off woman and her attorney can cause should be illegal. I was making well into 6 figures for many of these years, but due to the support, court costs and attorney's fees..was living paycheck to paycheck while they were buying new homes, new cars...getting remarried, etc. There were points where the support I was paying was more than her new husband would make in a damned month. I was dead broke one month, and didn't pay my support...she called and asked me to pay it otherwise her new husband couldn't go hunting, talk about 'go insane'.

During all this shit....my current wife Amy(the best woman I've ever met) supported me, loved me and kept me sane. Amy and I don't have children together...I have my three, she has two that live with us full time. All of our kids have seen us in bad loveless marriages, but now they see Amy and I in a happy loving and respectful marriage, and I'm glad for that. My son's can actually learn from me how to treat a woman, and my daughters can learn how a man should treat them when the time is right. It's been ridiculously hard, but I'm better for it. Are there things I would change...yeah, but hind sight is 20/20. One thing I realized was that the common denominator in both these failed marriages...was me. This horrible process has taught me how to be a better husband to Amy...corny, but true.

[captncaveman]

Yes, two boys(planned) from the first marriage, and one girl (she stopped taking her birth control) from the second. My kids are everything to me, I love them more than my own life...most parents understand this feeling. I divorced both women because I just didn't love them, and it was unfair of me to treat them the way I did. By that, I mean I was unfaithful a lot. I was in the military during my first marriage and deployed quite a bit, so it was easy to just seperate myself from her. My second marriage should never have happened...and didn't last very long at all..but not before she stopped taking her birth control and got pregnant. Although, she gave me my baby girl...so that counts for something I suppose. Okay...the phrase "a woman scorned...." is sooooooo true. When a woman you're divorcing is also the mother of your children....the courts will let her F U C K you until the kids get out of college. She will lawyer up and she and that lawyer will systematically drain your bank accounts, and your desire to continue fighting them.

Laws are getting better for Dads though, but not much better. Make sure you get joint or shared custody...because once divorced she can move to another state if you don't. Both of my ex's tried to move to other states immediately after the divorce. Children do complicate a divorce, but only because the mother usually tries to use them against the father...and attorneys exploit this desire to hurt the "bad man". About 7yrs ago, both of my ex's joined forces against me and began sharing information, and really busting my balls. When my career took off and money started rolling in....they were just looking to get paid. They kept filing motions to change custody arrangements, and I kept fighting...the only people that win are the attorneys. Most of this animosity was created by me though, because I was a cheating asshole then. If one could remove infidelity from the mix...then I fully believe that a divorce can be far more amicable, and child centered.

I have left out so many horrible details of my divorces and custody battles, lol....the pain and suffering a pissed off woman and her attorney can cause should be illegal. I was making well into 6 figures for many of these years, but due to the support, court costs and attorney's fees..was living paycheck to paycheck while they were buying new homes, new cars...getting remarried, etc. There were points where the support I was paying was more than her new husband would make in a damned month. I was dead broke one month, and didn't pay my support...she called and asked me to pay it otherwise her new husband couldn't go hunting, talk about 'go insane'.

During all this shit....my current wife Amy(the best woman I've ever met) supported me, loved me and kept me sane. Amy and I don't have children together...I have my three, she has two that live with us full time. All of our kids have seen us in bad loveless marriages, but now they see Amy and I in a happy loving and respectful marriage, and I'm glad for that. My son's can actually learn from me how to treat a woman, and my daughters can learn how a man should treat them when the time is right. It's been ridiculously hard, but I'm better for it. Are there things I would change...yeah, but hind sight is 20/20. One thing I realized was that the common denominator in both these failed marriages...was me. This horrible process has taught me how to be a better husband to Amy...corny, but true.

Thank you sir for the info. For the first 10 years of my relationship with my wife i was gone 3 weeks a month working. All oilfield related jobs. For the last couple years i have been in an office programming working with designers, engineers ect. Since i have been home the marriage has been a little rocky but not bad. Basically i am living in a house with my awesome kids and a woman that i love but don't really know (that sounds strange to most folk, but i'm sure you understand this). I haven't been unfaithful to her.. beside my mistress (work). We found we have NOTHING in common anymore and we are trying to fix this. So the idea of a divorce has been in the back of my mind for awhile now. I'm not planning on the divorce mind you but we can't agree on a single thing.

Anyway.. Thank you for the info. Thank you for your story. My biggest fear would be life with out my little cavemen.

[WickedKitchen]

Well, I believe that I was married to my wife pretty much when she moved into my apartment. That was my view. She wanted all the pomp and circumstance of a big party yadda yadda yadda. I couldn't have cared less for any of that but since she wanted to do it in Ireland I was up for splurging a little and makin' for one hell of a hoolie as they call it. Boy was it ever.

I too don't really care what the church has to say about it and I understand the government involvement to a degree so I'm willing to live with that. It wouldn't even matter for me though 'cos I live in Massachusetts and I believe the common law wife has just as much "power" as a regular wife. She's a citizen now and well, that kinda gives me a ticket to get in that boat with a lot of other guys.

Hey Cptn, I've done this with my wife. We were struggling to find things to do together since the kids were born. Pretty much every waking and not waking for that matter minute was spent running the ship, raising the kids, etc. When some of that got a bit easier we kinda ran into the same problem. So I thought it would be good if we each made a list. The lists had three columns. The first was things you love to do, the second was things that you would be up for trying, and the third was things that you Do Not enjoy doing. Then we compared lists. If anything it gives you the opportunity to try something new, and her too for that matter. And, you're trying something. I think to many people just give up rather than work at it and try different things. Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? In our case it was our happiness with each other. Most of the things on my wife's Love to do list were antisocial things, I had to chuckle about that.

[precious007]

Hey Rick, that's a lot of trouble you seemed to have with your ex wifes.

Children do complicate a divorce, but only because the mother usually tries to use them against the father...and attorneys exploit this desire to hurt the "bad man". About 7yrs ago, both of my ex's joined forces against me and began sharing information, and really busting my balls.

I mean is this how bad it can get, lol ... women are insane.

I've been called in court three times since my little boy was born. We were never married but she found a couple of reasons to make me spend a little fortune in courts and attorneys. But it's all over now, the worst part is that she's using the our son against me not realizing that she's actually hurting him (she's not answering the phone, doesn't let me see him and so on) .... anyway I couldn't care less for a woman like her, I'm going on with my own life.. but good that you shared your story...... ;^)

I think @deadohsky got married, he ain't talking anymore, rotflmao =))

[Monkey]

On the other side of the divorce coin...

My wife walked out on the kids and me when my daughter was 11 months old. She found a new penis (I knew something was up for a few months) and left. We are working on joint custody and an amicable break. She knows I could lawyer up and take the kids (she lives with the boyfriend) but that isn't fair to the kids. They are what matter and once they are old enough I don't have to see her again. Until then I play nice...

As for the marriage.....I. was happy. It was hard and we had two babies and no time for eachother and no money and a mountain of debt....but we were a team trying to get through it and make a life out of it....until she found a guy with a bigger penis and wallet. Oh and a free babysitter named dad so she could party or work on her schedule knowing full well I'd do wutever the kids need.

Marriage and children didn't change her priorities...which is the main reason it went down the way it did...and having kids should change your priorities.

[ratcheer]

I will just say one thing. Marriage is not a Christian institution. Marriage existed long before the Christian church and it also exists in most, almost all, cultures of the world. Marriage is a natural state of man.

Tim

[lxskllr]

The ONLY purpose a marriage serves is to ensure women can have an income without working. That worked fine up to the 20th century, because divorce was frowned upon. Now it's a farce with women as super citizens running the show. There's is no sharing of burden, only of profit with the male getting the short end every time. Marriage is an outdated concept, and needs to end. Anyone(male) who gets married is a fool AFAIC.

[Hanske]

I don't know how it is for you Americans, but most Norwegians marry after they've been together for many years. They do it mostly because of the laws. If one of them dies, the other person gets all the others possetions and money, unless they have children. Then it's 50/50.

It isn't common for the woman to take the man's surname in Norway either. 80% doesn't.

[precious007]

I don't know how it is for you Americans, but most Norwegians marry after they've been together for many years. They do it mostly because of the laws. If one of them dies, the other person gets all the others possetions and money, unless they have children. Then it's 50/50.

It isn't common for the woman to take the man's surname in Norway either. 80% doesn't.

this is most likely in any country world-wide.

The laws might differ a little, but usually it's 50/50 unless you owned something before getting married, then that won't split.

Well, a healthy marriage or relationship is not based on "THE Posesions" it's rather based on sincerity, trust and focusing on the home and kids. At least that's what I like to think. Unfortunatelly .... looooool Monkey said it above.... some women like to go and seek another Penis ... Life ain't fair... get used to it ...

It Romania over 50% of the marriages end up in a divorce, and I'm talking real statistics from 1990 - 2010 ....

Again, what is this world coming to !?

It's sad to say this, but the only woman that I trust is my mom..... I mean 100% ....

:^)

Anyone(male) who gets married is a fool AFAIC.

I disagree.

Not everyone, but a large number of men rush into things...... thinking they might have found a gold mine of some sort....

You know, the problem these days is the media, at least that's what I think..... a lot of girls dream about expensive homes and cars .... getting married to a rich man ... I mean who the hell doesn't want to be filthy rich.... but honestly.... and statiscally speaking 3% of the men world-wide are over the average ..... meaning .... rich ... chances are very small to get to marry a rich man .... even though 99% of the women are still dreaming..... (NOT ALL OF THEM)

Hell, wake up! it's not all about the money!

Health is more important by all means.