Serious porn question...

[desirexe]

So, I know many of you guys here partake in a little adult film entertainment, so maybe you can give me your 2 cents. My friend just left after a few hours of crying and sobbing all over me stating that she was leaving her husband of 10 years due to the types of porn he had been viewing on the family computer. Two of the search terms that kind of stood out to me and obviously freaked her out as they have 2 young girls..he had searched for "rape" and "incest." I would never advise someone to just leave their husband but in this case, should I have?? I feel like a crappy friend for sort of pushing her out the door and telling her to basically ignore it...

[Mdisch]

To be fair, those terms are a bit "sick". I mean personally I do observe some of the productions from the adult film industry, but nothing like that. Personally - I find it repulsing, but I guess if that is what floats his boat and he isn't seriously going to rape someone I suppose it's nothing to leave ones husband for.
I mean - I actually know of a few women who have a rape fantasy.. That doesn't mean they're sick, they just want to try something different.
The part that really worries me is the incest part since he has 2 young girls...... I really don't know how to respond to that part, it's quite strange.

[Roo]

Desirexe,

Personally I cannot begin to understand why those things turn this guy on, but obviously they do. Like Mdisch said, I also believe it's pretty ****ing sick, but almost everyone deserves a chance to explain themselves. Perhaps it's more common than I would care to find out how many men fantasize about such scenarios, but would never act on them. In other words, perhaps for some weird reason they like the idea of it, but do not like the idea of it with their actual relatives. Personally I have a bigger issue with the rape aspect; incest is bad enough, but forcefully? Jesus Christ. Your friend has certainly confronted him right? What did he say?

In the meantime, I was reminded of this column of Savage Love I read in the Seattle Stranger last week. This may help:

Daddy Issues
September 21, 2011
By Dan Savage

I am a 22-year-old college grad who has been living at home for the last year. My parents are divorced, so I've gone back and forth from one place to the other. The other day, I was using my father's computer, and the history came up on the search engine. It turns out that while I am in the house, my father views pornography that involves incest fantasies. I felt quite disturbed by what I saw—it made me physically sick—and I'm wondering if I should continue to have a relationship with my father.

In a week, I start a new job in another country—so I can get away from him for a while and think about my options. What should I do? Should I tell him that I know about it and I'm not interested in having a relationship with him anymore? Do I tell my friends or family? Should I trust what my gut is telling me and pack up, jump in a cab, and never talk to him again?

Disturbed And Distressed

Dan Savage responds:

There are people who are turned on by incest scenarios—hypothetical dads seducing hypothetical daughters, fictional moms seducing fictional sons—who are nevertheless revolted by the idea of actual incest, i.e., nonhypothetical **** sessions with their own nonfictional family members. Many of these incest fetishists have sent me letters over the years, DAD, wondering what's wrong with them. Or wondering what's right with what's wrong with them, I should say, as they're turned on by incest fantasies but not, as they're invariably relieved to add, by incest realities. So what gives?

It's the thrill of violating a taboo, not a child; it's the power dynamics that have been eroticized, not the parental dynamics—but that's for another column. You wrote, DAD, because you don't know what to do about your dad.

Unless your father has given you reason to suspect that he actually wants to **** you—unless finding your dad's porn helped you to identify a pattern of inappropriate behaviors on your father's part with but one possible interpretation (he actually wants to **** you)—let's give your father the benefit of the doubt, shall we? Let's assume that one of the many letters I've received from incest fetishists was written by your dad.

I'm operating under an assumption: again, that your father has never done anything that made you feel unsafe. If your discovery had led you to connect a bunch of deeply creepy dots, DAD, that's surely something you would've mentioned in your letter. Which is why I'm not just urging you to give your father the benefit of the doubt, however revolting his taste in porn might be, but also to take what you found out about him and stuff it down the memory hole.

Don't say anything to your father, DAD, or to anyone else. You no longer have to live with your father—or use his computer—and I see no need to terminate your relationship with him, or to go nuclear on his reputation, over a deeply creepy kink that your father neither asked for nor has ever attempted to act on.

[Roo]

Having said all that, here's another take: People who don't fantasize about raping a family member don't end up raping a family member. The same cannot be said for people who do fantasize about it. Sick bastard. She may be making the right choice. In the end, if she stays with him and something horrific happens, she will never forgive herself.

Was she perfectly happy in the relationship until this? If not, then maybe she should get rid of him before it's too late.

[snusjus]

I'm into some kinky stuff, but I would never contemplate searching for "rape" or "incest" videos. Well... I guess twin sisters "sharing" a man would be considered incest, although I would have to say it's technically not, since they weren't making direct contact with each other. Haha. Perhaps Premium Parrots could clean up this grey area for me.

[Premium Parrots]

being with 2 sisters is perfectly fine. If they decide to go at each other thats fine with me also....since I'm not the one commiting incest. Same goes with mother/daughter. Thats just as fun.


Deserex, Your friend should probably speak to someone that deals with that kind of thing. The cheap/easy way is to talk to her priest or minister. He/she will give you/her the proper way to proceed. Surely she needs to have a serious talk with her husband. If he can't understand how she feels about this issue and quit then she may be better off without him. But she needs to let her true feelings be told so he understands. I hope this all works out for her.

[lxskllr]

There's a fetish, and fantasy for everything. I wouldn't even consider those to be on the fringe, but definitely left(right?) of center. I think she's overreacting, but I guess she's a better judge. From a practical point of view, odds are they'd get divorced anyway over some other reason. Sooner's better than later AFAIC :^D

[Crow]

With all the fetishes out there, hearing someone get off on 'rape' or 'incest' doesn't surprise me much anymore. Disturbing? Yes. Shocking? No.

It was probably a safe precaution for your friend to give him the boot (given that they have 2 children), but hey, I don't know what made the guy look for that sort of porn.

Maybe he was raped or molested as a child and has some sort of disorder as a result? Just a guess (I'm no psychologist)...

Whatever the reason, I hope your friend gets this situation sorted out.

[desirexe]

Thanks guys!!! I really do appreciate your insight. I dunno...I did advise her to speak to her daughters and maybe even take them to a therapist. He (the husband) doesn't seem like the kid raping type, but most pedophiles don't really fit a single profile right?

I'll take my "lesbian" searching husband anyday over that weirdo. Ugh...just grossed myself out picturing some sweaty, horny man searching for some "incest."

PP and Snus - I lol'ed over your posts. Not too sure a search for "2 sisters" would have been overlooked in this situation either...maybe just not cause quite as strong of a reaction..

[Premium Parrots]

ya know......Tell your friend to subtlety drop the names "John Wayne and Lorena Bobbit" when she speaks to her husband.

[Ainkor]

While those are disturbing things, and doubly disturbing things to look for at the same time, like with any relationship, communication is key. If they have been married, had no issues, why not talk about it? Of course if she feels that there may be an issue with the kids, get going like Action Jackson.

I don't know about the rest of you but in my experience, the world of porn is quite a bit like wikipedia. You start off looking at a rare species of shell-less turtles and you end up reading about the rape and pillage of Nanking.

Context is king and how your friend feels about hers and her kids safety is of course the most important thing.

[c.nash]

The "rape" is a common theme is a lot of pornos nowadays. So I wouldn't worry about that...

The "incest"... Yeah... That's just weird....

[Crow]

The "rape" is a common theme is a lot of pornos nowadays. So I wouldn't worry about that...

While both scenarios are disturbing, I find the 'rape' part to be more concerning. Forcing someone to perform a sex act against their will? And to what degree?

[wa3zrm]

What's really sick are those snuff films that PP has!

[Premium Parrots]

yea this snuff film is very disturbing.........