Letters From Santa...And Other Xmas Stuff

[Premium Parrots]

Dear Santa,

I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!

Love, Joey


Dear Joey,

Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.

Santa

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

you guays got any more letters? Post em here.

[Premium Parrots]

The Night Before XXXmas

Twas the night befor Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.

The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"

He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.

A **** ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.

"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!"

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"

[Premium Parrots]

Santa Facts

No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisism yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule our flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.

There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But since Sanata doesn't (appear to) handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - or 378 million according to the Population Referance Bureau. At an average (cencus) rate of 3.5 children per household, that is 91.8 millions homes. One presumes there's at least one "good" child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels East to West (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each one of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around thwe earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but for the purpose of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75 and a half million miles, NOT counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding etc. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purpose of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each shild gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego Set (2 lbs), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On landing, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 330 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point 1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine reindeer. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload, not even counting the weight of the sleigh, to 353,430 tons! Again for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth!

353,430 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as space craft re-entering the earths atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of enery ... per second ... EACH! In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating deafening Sonic Booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vapourized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subject to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrosly slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve ...

he's dead now :-)

[wa3zrm]

[Premium Parrots]

[Premium Parrots]

Looking for the perfect gift this year? ..........
















Fun for the whole family.
If you cut them up into small enough pieces.

[Premium Parrots]

I finally got my xmas decoration put up outside..........

[wa3zrm]

[wa3zrm]

Man Leaps to His Death in Shopping Mall After Girlfriend Insists on More Shopping

An eyewitness said: "He told her she already had enough shoes, more shoes that she could wear in a lifetime, and it was pointless buying any more. She started shouting at him, accusing him of being a skinflint, and of spoiling Christmas. It was a really heated argument."
The argument continued until Hsiao threw the bags on the floor and himself over the balcony, dropping seven stories to his death and smashing Christmas decorations on the way down.

(Excerpt) Read more at breitbart.com ...

[Burnsey]

.............

[lxskllr]

Show your loved ones you really care, and give the gift of Linux from Xmas. If you feel bad about the gift being gratis, show the devs you care by making a contribution to your favorite libre software package. Alternatively, the FSF and EFF help all of us by protecting our digital rights.

[wa3zrm]

Weird Stocking Stuffer: Bacon Deodorant

Chocolates, fruit, nuts, tiny toys: these are all your typical stocking stuffers but if you are looking to mix things up this year we have a couple suggestions.
J&D's, the Seattle-based company that brought you Bacon Salt (which makes everything taste like bacon) and Baconnaise (bacon-flavored mayonnaise), has two new products just in time for the holidays.
We became aware of these in a press release and when we saw the words "bacon deodorant" we knew we had to try it out. Here is our take on their new products:
J&D’s Bacon Deodorant: Bacon used to be just a simple breakfast item. You might have it as a side with your pancakes or to enhance your sandwich but over the past few years companies everywhere have realized the true potential of this crispy breakfast treat. I have had bacon suckers, chocolate covered bacon and even bacon flavored gum but none of this prepared me for the next big thing in hygiene – bacon scented deodorant. This is the perfect gift for any bacon lover in your family but be warned the smell is potent and you will be exuding bacon bits all day. Word of advice, be cautious around dogs.
J&D’s Sriracha Candy Canes:

(Excerpt) Read more at wral.com ...

---

[wa3zrm]

Grocery Store Kicks Girls Off Property For Singing Christmas Carols

VANCOUVER (CBS Seattle) - Two young girls who were trying to spread holiday cheer were kicked off of a grocery store’s property for singing Christmas carols.

Ayla Bascom and Kaitlyn Manseau chose the WinCo near their home to give shoppers “a warm fuzzy feeling,” KATU reported.
The girls made a sign stating they didn’t want any money and no one went into the store to file a complaint either. Instead, people stopped outside to listen to them sing popular Christmas carols.

(Excerpt) Read more at seattle.cbslocal.com ...

[Premium Parrots]

Weird Stocking Stuffer: Bacon Deodorant

Chocolates, fruit, nuts, tiny toys: these are all your typical stocking stuffers but if you are looking to mix things up this year we have a couple suggestions.
J&D's, the Seattle-based company that brought you Bacon Salt (which makes everything taste like bacon) and Baconnaise (bacon-flavored mayonnaise), has two new products just in time for the holidays.
We became aware of these in a press release and when we saw the words "bacon deodorant" we knew we had to try it out. Here is our take on their new products:
J&D’s Bacon Deodorant: Bacon used to be just a simple breakfast item. You might have it as a side with your pancakes or to enhance your sandwich but over the past few years companies everywhere have realized the true potential of this crispy breakfast treat. I have had bacon suckers, chocolate covered bacon and even bacon flavored gum but none of this prepared me for the next big thing in hygiene – bacon scented deodorant. This is the perfect gift for any bacon lover in your family but be warned the smell is potent and you will be exuding bacon bits all day. Word of advice, be cautious around dogs.
J&D’s Sriracha Candy Canes:

(Excerpt) Read more at wral.com ...

---

ahh hell. That would make a great oral sex aid.

"No mame, No fish for me tonight, I'll have the bacon please"

[wa3zrm]