My Journey......Mrs. Butterworth, 128 years of hard waffles

[Premium Parrots]

Subject: Irish Diplomacy

One thing about lads from Ireland is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place! Jimmy Murphy, a City Councillor from Dublin, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what
he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.




HIS STATEMENT:
If hooking up one fookin’ rag-head terrorist's testicles to a car battery gets the truth out of the lying little camel shagger to save just one Irish soldier’s life, then I have only three things to say;
Red is positive, Black is negative and make sure his nuts are wet.’

[Snusdog]

Subject: Irish Diplomacy

One thing about lads from Ireland is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place! Jimmy Murphy, a City Councillor from Dublin, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what
he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.




HIS STATEMENT:
If hooking up one fookin’ rag-head terrorist's testicles to a car battery gets the truth out of the lying little camel shagger to save just one Irish soldier’s life, then I have only three things to say;
Red is positive, Black is negative and make sure his nuts are wet.’

Ahahhahha....that is great!

[Burnsey]

Honesty

Yup, some people can’t handle the truth!

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said,
"Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right,
because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did.
Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office.

He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where the hell I am now…
__________________

[Premium Parrots]

This is a real product that is available at walgreens nd other retail outlets. All the videos I found had people laffing in the back ground..........Better hurry to get yours now Skelly....$39.95

[Andy105]

The pink one's nice. Does it come in black, haha?

[trebli]

Not only do you grow your muscles, you also grow hair on your palms!

[Burnsey]

Male logic... flawless !




This a conversation between a man and a woman.

Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question. l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there:

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes !

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about three!

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts you spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your
spending at $108,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?


Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man:Where is your airplane?

[Burnsey]

(Another from my friend Chuck)

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a 100 pound bag of Purina Large Cat chow for my loyal pet, Moo Moo, the Attack Cat, who weighs 191 lbs. and kinda resembles a mountain lion, but I digress........there I was, in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a Cat.

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a cat, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete , high in protein ,vitamins and essential elements, so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the cat food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

So now Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.



Here's hoping all you all have a very Merry Christmas and a Safe and Happy New Year

[Premium Parrots]

All I want for xmas.......

its a real product!
https://www.getshittens.com/

[Burnsey]

The Will

At 119 years of age, Andy105 is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his warden, and his buddies are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak, sounding a lot like Vito Corleone to the end...........:

"My buddy PP, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.

"My buddy wa3zrm, you take the apartments over in the east end."

"My buddy Snusdog, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center.

"My dear warden, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Andy105 slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".


The warden replies, "He had a paper route."

[Premium Parrots]

lol. As I was reading that I was wondering where it was going. Caught me by suprize.

[Andy105]

Haha, I used to have two paper routes......a loonnnnggg time ago.

[Burnsey]

A nice, calm, and respectable lady
went into the pharmacy, walked up
to the pharmacist, looked straight
into his eyes, and said,
“I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked,
“Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed,
“Lord have mercy!
I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband


Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse
and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.


The pharmacist looked at the picture and said,
“You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

[Premium Parrots]

.....and all along we thought it was fiberglass........

https://www.wsj.com/articles/altria-...cts-1485903961

[Burnsey]

Helga's Cruise Ship Diary Entries

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1: All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!

DEAR DIARY - DAY 2: Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 3: At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 4: Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. The Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 5: Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. The Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 6: Today I saved 2600 lives. Twice ...