My Journey......Mrs. Butterworth, 128 years of hard waffles

[Burnsey]

The Sheer Nightgown
*
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks ( she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.*I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief!*You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
*
Closed coffin.

[Burnsey]

A doctor who had been seeing an 70-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next check-up, the new young doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. Looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you - there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out,patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks. And believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."
You gotta love Grandmas!

[wa3zrm]

[Premium Parrots]

who/what is that?

[wa3zrm]

who/what is that?

Your GF, Michelle Obama!

[Burnsey]

Best Camp Letter


Dear Mom,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Love Johnny

[Andy105]

Ho Chow calls into work and says “I no come to work today. I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I no come to work.”
The boss says, “you know, Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”
Two hours later, Ho calls and says, “I do what you say and I feel great……I be at work soon……..you got nice house.”

[Premium Parrots]

lmao, that's just wrong........

[Burnsey]

lmao, that's just wrong........

True, just wrong....but I copied it and sent it to several friends just the same.....

[Premium Parrots]

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

[Burnsey]

Never Jump To Conclusions..........

How Much Do You Make?
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
*
A big steel company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
*
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
*
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
*
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
*
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
*
From across the room a voice said, "He is the pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[Snusdog]

Ahahahahhaha........I hope hat $1600 pizza had extra cheese on it

[Premium Parrots]

lmao. I didn't even see it coming.

[Premium Parrots]

An Interview with the World's Longest Surviving Severed Head


A Person with little left to lose describes his challenges.





Severed head interview.





We are interviewing Loren C. Vandersnarff, the world’s longest surviving severed head. Mr. Vandersnarff, welcome.

Loren – Thank you John.

FoD – How did you come to be the world’s longest living severed head?

Loren – It was in a farming accident, in Buel, Idaho.I was operating a threshing machine, cutting wheat. The machine hit a bump and I tumbled off. The next thing I knew, I was as you see me here.

FoD – A severed head.

Loren – Right.

FoD – What was your first reaction?

Loren – A feeling of losing a great amount of weight very quickly.

FoD – I see. But how is it you came to survive such an accident? Most people would not have.

Loren – I don’t know. I’ve always been a rather independent, self-contained person. I’ve always been the kind who can adapt to adversity. All I know is,I’m still here and enjoying every new day.

FoD – The accident made you something of a celebrity, hasn’t it?

Loren – Yes. I’ve been on Letterman, Leno and Conan shows, and more recently,Ellen. I was offered a part in the upcoming re-make of the classic film, BeatMe Bite Me Burn Me Stab Me Want Me. I also had a small part in the Lee VanCleef movie if you remember, Zontar, the Thing from Venus. I recently was offered a position to head a new nonprofit coalition, Americans without Torsos,based in Washington D.C.

FoD – Then you feel lucky to be the way you are?

Loren – Well, not exactly, there are challenges. Do you have any idea how hard it is to meet women? I’m single. I’ve tried everything; hanging out at bars,going to the produce section at the supermarket. I can’t seem to meet the right lady, someone who will love me for who I am. I mean, I’ll be out on a date with a good-looking goddess, and she gets up to excuse herself to go freshen up in the ladies room, and bumps the table, and I roll off. Do you know how embarrassing that is?

FoD – I can imagine.

Loren – Try getting on a bus. There is no special provision for a disability like this. I have to get a rolling start toward the stairs, bounce off an object like a rock or can, hit the first step, and then bounce up again and again. That’s unless somebody helps me. One time a bunch of kids mistook me fora soccer ball. That was a narrow escape. What a disaster that could have been.Another time a gypsy woman mistakenly thought I was a face in a crystal ball and tried to make off with me. I’m so bitter I don’t even want to talk about it.

FoD – I’m sure our audience identifies with your struggles and challenges. On a lighter note, could you describe your average day for us?

Loren – Sure. Usually I get up in the morning, roll out of bed and make some coffee. That’s always a challenge, getting the coffee grounds into the top of the coffee maker. Then, I check my email on the computer.

FoD – I have to ask. How?

Loren – By the use my tongue. I have developed my tongue over time and relentless exercise into the strongest tongue in the world. I hold the record in the Guinness Book for bench pressing a 12 pound casaba melon with my tongue.There has been talk of adding such an event to the next Olympic Games.

FoD – That tie you’re wearing?

Loren –You like that?

FoD – Very colorful. A red tie with a glowing battery-powered neon depiction of Lady Gaga.

Loren – A fan sent it to me. I have hundreds of fans and they often send me presents I can’t use, like work boots. But this tie, since I have no neck, is attached right down here with a surfboard bungee chord.

FoD – We’re running short on time. Do you have any advice for anyone out there who might find themselves in a similar situation?

Loren – Well, it might be, never give up, or lose sight of your dreams, even if you’re viewing them from a much lower position. The world is a circle, so try to be a well-rounded individual. If you’ve got a good head on your shoulders,you don’t necessarily need the shoulders. And always play to win, plan and train for your future, and always be one step ahead.

[snuswoman]

PIZZA Order.

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google's pizza.
- So it's a wrong number? Sorry.
- No sir, Google bought it.
- OK. Take my order please.
- Well sir, you want the usual?
- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick rust.
- OK! This is it.
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato.?
- What? I hate vegetables.
- Your cholesterol is not good, sir."
- How do you know?
- We crossed the number of your fixed line ☎with your name, through the subscribers guide. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
- Okay, but I do not want this pizza I already take medicine.
- Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.
- I bought more from another drugstore.
- It's not showing on your credit card statement
- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
- I have have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.
- What the hell
- I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you
- Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me
- I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 6 weeks ago

^lmao