My Journey......Mrs. Butterworth, 128 years of hard waffles

[Premium Parrots]

This one is great. She has a lot more on youtube.....

[Premium Parrots]

[Burnsey]

That reminds me.........

I'm ancient.....

[trebli]

Very nice PP. You might also like to see the late Ray Manzarek play the song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3deQXzV-qTk

[Burnsey]

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 20-year-old girl.
Now ... I have a $750,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 60-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 20-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great?
They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!

[Premium Parrots]

If you love dogs and have or had one, this is worth every minute of
you time. Even if you don't like dogs as pets, please read.

They told me the big black Lab's name was Reggie, as I looked at him
lying in his pen. The shelter was clean, no-kill, and the people
really friendly.

I'd only been in the area for six months, but everywhere I went in the
small college town, people were welcoming and open. Everyone waves
when you pass them on the street.

But something was still missing as I attempted to settle in to my new
life here, and I thought a dog couldn't hurt. Give me someone to talk
to. And I had just seen Reggie's advertisement on the local news. The
shelter said they had received numerous calls right after, but they
said the people who had come down to see him just didn't look like
"Lab people," whatever that meant. They must've thought I did.

But at first, I thought the shelter had misjudged me in giving me
Reggie and his things, which consisted of a dog pad, bag of toys
almost all of which were brand new tennis balls, his dishes and a
sealed letter from his previous owner.

See, Reggie and I didn't really hit it off when we got home. We
struggled for two weeks (which is how long the shelter told me to give
him to adjust to his new home). Maybe it was the fact that I was
trying to adjust, too. Maybe we were too much alike.

I saw the sealed envelope. I had completely forgotten about that.
"Okay, Reggie," I said out loud, "let's see if your previous owner has
any advice."

__________ _________ _________ _________

To Whomever Gets My Dog:

Well, I can't say that I'm happy you're reading this, a letter I told
the shelter could only be opened by Reggie's new owner. I'm not even
happy writing it. He knew something was different.

So let me tell you about my Lab in the hopes that it will help you
bond with him and he with you.

First, he loves tennis balls. The more the merrier. Sometimes I think
he's part squirrel, the way he hoards them. He usually always has two
in his mouth, and he tries to get a third in there. Hasn't done it
yet. Doesn't matter where you throw them, he'll bound after them, so
be careful. Don't do it by any roads.

Next, commands. Reggie knows the obvious ones ---"sit," "stay," "come," "heel."

He knows hand signals, too: He knows "ball" and "food" and "bone" and
"treat" like nobody's business.

Feeding schedule: twice a day, regular store-bought stuff; the shelter
has the brand.

He's up on his shots. Be forewarned: Reggie hates the vet. Good luck
getting him in the car. I don't know how he knows when it's time to go
to the vet, but he knows.

Finally, give him some time. It's only been Reggie and me for his
whole life. He's gone everywhere with me, so please include him on
your daily car rides if you can. He sits well in the backseat, and he
doesn't bark or complain. He just loves to be around people, and me
most especially.

And that's why I need to share one more bit of info with you...His
name's not Reggie. He's a smart dog, he'll get used to it and will
respond to it, of that I have no doubt. But I just couldn't bear to
give them his real name. But if someone is reading this ... well it
means that his new owner should know his real name. His real name is
"Tank." Because, that is what I drive.

I told the shelter that they couldn't make "Reggie" available for
adoption until they received word from my company commander. You see,
my parents are gone, I have no siblings, no one I could've left Tank
with ... and it was my only real request of the Army upon my
deployment to Iraq, that they make one phone call to the shelter ...
in the "event" ... to tell them that Tank could be put up for
adoption. Luckily, my CO is a dog-guy, too, and he knew where my
platoon was headed. He said he'd do it personally. And if you're
reading this, then he made good on his word.

Tank has been my family for the last six years, almost as long as the
Army has been my family. And now I hope and pray that you make him
part of your family, too, and that he will adjust and come to love you
the same way he loved me.

If I have to give up Tank to keep those terrible people from coming to
the US I am glad to have done so. He is my example of service and of
love. I hope I honored him by my service to my country and comrades.

All right, that's enough. I deploy this evening and have to drop this
letter off at the shelter. Maybe I'll peek in on him and see if he
finally got that third tennis ball in his mouth.

Good luck with Tank. Give him a good home, and give him an extra kiss
goodnight - every night - from me.

Thank you,

Paul Mallory

___________ _________ _________ _______

I folded the letter and slipped it back in the envelope. Sure, I had
heard of Paul Mallory, everyone in town knew him, even new people like
me. Local kid, killed in Iraq a few months ago and posthumously
earning the Silver Star when he gave his life to save three buddies.
Flags have been at half-mast all summer.

I leaned forward in my chair and rested my elbows on my knees, staring
at the dog.

"Hey, Tank," I said quietly.

The dog's head whipped up, his ears cocked and his eyes bright.

"C'mere boy."

He was instantly on his feet, his nails clicking on the hardwood
floor. He sat in front of me, his head tilted, searching for the name
he hadn't heard in months. "Tank," I whispered.

His tail swished.

I kept whispering his name, over and over, and each time, his ears
lowered, his eyes softened, and his posture relaxed as a wave of
contentment just seemed to flood him. I stroked his ears, rubbed his
shoulders, buried my face into his scruff and hugged him.

"It's me now, Tank, just you and me. Your old pal gave you to me."
Tank reached up and licked my cheek.

"So whatdaya say we play some ball?" His ears perked again.

"Yeah? Ball? You like that? Ball?"

Tank tore from my hands and disappeared into the next room. And when
he came back, he had three tennis balls in his mouth.

If you can read this without getting a lump in your throat or a tear
in your eye, you just ain't right.

A veteran is someone who, at one point, wrote a blank check made
payable to 'The United States of America' for an amount of 'up to
and including their life.'

That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who
no longer understand it.

"The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him,
but because he loves what is behind him."
G. K. Chesterton


"When you change the way you see things, the things you see change".

[Premium Parrots]

TWO OLD GUYS


Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have
so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."

[Premium Parrots]

wouldn't you know it.............


A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.He gets into the taxi, and the

Cabbie says, 'Perfect timing.You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman...He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritoneand danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: 'Well...I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his ****ing wife."

[Premium Parrots]

[Premium Parrots]

ouch

[Premium Parrots]

good one

[Burnsey]

Texting.......

Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door.
I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few
months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you
to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with
myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not
around. In fact, probably more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know.
The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I
hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen
again.
Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
*
*
Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor
dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink
and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he had received
a subsequent message from his (now deceased) neighbor.
*
*
THE SECOND MESSAGE
Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect
you figured it out anyway, & that you noticed that darned
Autocorrect changed 'wi-fi' To 'wife'. Technology hey?
Regards, Alan.

[Burnsey]

PIZZA Order.

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google's pizza.
- So it's a wrong number? Sorry.
- No sir, Google bought it.
- OK. Take my order please.
- Well sir, you want the usual?
- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick rust.
- OK! This is it.
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato.?
- What? I hate vegetables.
- Your cholesterol is not good, sir."
- How do you know?
- We crossed the number of your fixed line ☎with your name, through the subscribers guide. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
- Okay, but I do not want this pizza I already take medicine.
- Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.
- I bought more from another drugstore.
- It's not showing on your credit card statement
- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
- I have have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.
- What the hell
- I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you
- Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me
- I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 6 weeks ago

[Burnsey]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old!, well...you'll love this one.
*
my name is alice smith and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his dds diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 50+ years ago.
Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon* seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school.
"yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride.
"when did you graduate?" i asked.
He answered, "in 1962. Why do you ask?"
"you were in my class!" i exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass,
gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked me,
............ "what did you teach?" .........

[Premium Parrots]

lmao