My Journey......Mrs. Butterworth, 128 years of hard waffles

[Andy105]

I'm at the emergency room. Today was not a good day. I decided to go horseback riding, something I haven't done in a few years. It turned out to be a big mistak...e! I got on the horse and started out slow, but then we went a little faster before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. I couldn't take the pace and fell off, but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging me. It wouldn't stop. Thank goodness the manager at Toys-R-Us came out and unplugged the machine.

Bastard.

[Burnsey]

ONE MANS JOURNEY......

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits. :P


(Courtesy of Premium Parrots - 05/17/09)

[Premium Parrots]

lol, I read all that never realizing I posted it 9 years ago.


The old saying must be true…...the brain is the first thing to go.

[paulwall9]

Wow, I’ve been away a long time.

[Burnsey]

A modern family

Son: "I met a girl and I want to date her."

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."

This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

[Burnsey]

A nun gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[Burnsey]

A lawyer went duck hunting in Ash Meadows, Nevada . He shot and dropped

a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on

his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded,

"I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not

coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in

the USA and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take

everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we

settle disputes in Nevada. We settle small disagreements like this

with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I

get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three

times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that

he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local

custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to

the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed

work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing

from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third

kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very

slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his

jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

[Burnsey]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she

laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and

listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm

sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any

testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned

a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's

owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his

front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to

bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his

head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few

minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and

also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back

on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the

room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this

is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a

bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock,

took the bill.

"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,

the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat

Scan, it's now $150."

[Burnsey]

An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!' The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes limosine stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a $25,000 Rolex, $15,000 Armani suite, several large diamond rings, and with an air of wealth about him steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath 2 retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account."

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores, and a $25,000,000 bank account.

"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do, what do you suggest?" the man says.

All choked up at this point, the mother, who had remained silent until now, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him...




"You'll try again, right?"

[Andy105]

A young man and his hot date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”

The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

[Burnsey]

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money"
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."
After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

[Burnsey]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What in the world are ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me ’n the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

[trebli]

Now that one really snuck up on me. lol

[Burnsey]

[Burnsey]