This is why British newspapers are more fun to read!
These are classified ads, which were placed in a U.K. newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
> 8 years old.
> Hateful little bastard.
> Bites!
> FREE PUPPIES
> 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
>
> FREE PUPPIES.
> Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
> Father, Super Dog... able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
>
> COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
> Also 1 gay bull for sale.
>
> JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
> Must sell washer and dryer £100.
>
> WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
> Worn once by mistake.
> Call Stephanie.
>
> *** And the WINNER is... ***
> FOR SALE BY OWNER.
> Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
> Excellent condition.....£200 or best offer.
> No longer needed; got married last month.
> Wife knows f#%#%#g everything!
_______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________
>
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
> The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.
> Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
> The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
> The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
> The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just LOVE lawyers?!
_______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________
ROSES & HANGING BASKETS
> A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date
> with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
> Her grandmother went mad, telling her not to dare go out like that!
> The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Gran. These are modern times.
> You gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she goes.
> The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother
> is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.
> She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over
> and that it is just not appropriate....
> The grandmother says,
> 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds,
> then I can display my hanging baskets.
> Happy Gardening.
_______________________________________________________ __________________________________________________
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Hatch, NM. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Hatch deputy's expense.
> The deputy says, "License and registration, please."
> "What for?" says the lawyer.
> The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
> Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
> "You still didn't come to a complete stop," says the deputy. "License and registration, please."
> The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
> "The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy repeats.
> Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
> "That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says. At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
_______________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
>
>
> GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO
A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you Remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
_______________________________________________________ ________________________________________________
>
>
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
> 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
> 2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
> 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
> 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
> 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
> 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
> 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
> 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
> 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
> 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
>
>
> GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: !
> 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
> 2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
> 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
> 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground..
> 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
> 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
> GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
> 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..
> 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
> 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
> 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
> 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
> 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
> 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
> THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
> 1) You believe in Santa Claus.
> 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
> 3) You are Santa Claus..
> 4) You look like Santa Claus.
>
> SUCCESS:
> At age 4 success is . . . . not piddling in your pants.
> At age 12 success is . . having friends.
> At age 17 success is . .. having a driver's license.
> At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.
> At age 50 success is . . . having money.
> At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
> At age 75 success is . .. having friends.
> At age 80 success is ... . . not piddling in your pants.
> Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.
> Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
> BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.
> Have a wonderful day with many ! *smiles*
>
> Take the time to live!!!
> Life is too short
> Dance naked. woo-hoo!
These are classified ads, which were placed in a U.K. newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
> 8 years old.
> Hateful little bastard.
> Bites!
> FREE PUPPIES
> 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
>
> FREE PUPPIES.
> Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
> Father, Super Dog... able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
>
> COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
> Also 1 gay bull for sale.
>
> JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
> Must sell washer and dryer £100.
>
> WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
> Worn once by mistake.
> Call Stephanie.
>
> *** And the WINNER is... ***
> FOR SALE BY OWNER.
> Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
> Excellent condition.....£200 or best offer.
> No longer needed; got married last month.
> Wife knows f#%#%#g everything!
_______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________
>
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
> The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.
> Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
> The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
> The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
> The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just LOVE lawyers?!
_______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________
ROSES & HANGING BASKETS
> A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date
> with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
> Her grandmother went mad, telling her not to dare go out like that!
> The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Gran. These are modern times.
> You gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she goes.
> The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother
> is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.
> She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over
> and that it is just not appropriate....
> The grandmother says,
> 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds,
> then I can display my hanging baskets.
> Happy Gardening.
_______________________________________________________ __________________________________________________
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Hatch, NM. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Hatch deputy's expense.
> The deputy says, "License and registration, please."
> "What for?" says the lawyer.
> The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
> Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
> "You still didn't come to a complete stop," says the deputy. "License and registration, please."
> The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
> "The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy repeats.
> Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
> "That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says. At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
_______________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
>
>
> GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO
A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you Remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
_______________________________________________________ ________________________________________________
>
>
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
> 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
> 2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
> 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
> 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
> 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
> 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
> 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
> 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
> 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
> 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
>
>
> GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: !
> 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
> 2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
> 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
> 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground..
> 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
> 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
> GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
> 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..
> 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
> 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
> 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
> 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
> 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
> 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
> THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
> 1) You believe in Santa Claus.
> 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
> 3) You are Santa Claus..
> 4) You look like Santa Claus.
>
> SUCCESS:
> At age 4 success is . . . . not piddling in your pants.
> At age 12 success is . . having friends.
> At age 17 success is . .. having a driver's license.
> At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.
> At age 50 success is . . . having money.
> At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
> At age 75 success is . .. having friends.
> At age 80 success is ... . . not piddling in your pants.
> Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.
> Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
> BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.
> Have a wonderful day with many ! *smiles*
>
> Take the time to live!!!
> Life is too short
> Dance naked. woo-hoo!
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