A guy sits at a bar and orders a beer. Then a second. Then a third. Then he notices a large gorilla behind the bar, sitting quietly at the other end. He asks the bartender why the hell there is a gorilla there. The bartender says that he'll show him. He reaches under the bar and pull out a wooden baseball bat. The bartender walks up to the gorilla and swings for his head. CRACK. He connects perfectly with the gorilla. The beast drops to the floor and starts blowing the bartender. The man at the bar was fascinated. After the gorilla completed the task he goes back to his spot at the end of the bar. The bartender then walks over to the man and asks him if he'd like to give it a shot. The man says sure...just don't hit me so hard with that bat.
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A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York.
It’s fogged in and they have nothing to do.
One of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?”
The other one says, “No, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz.”
So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.
The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn’t. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!
The phone rings. It’s his buddy. The buddy says, “Hey, how do you feel?”
“Great”, he said! “Just great”!
The buddy says, “Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!"
“Yeah, we could, but there’s just one thing...”
“What’s that?”
“Did you fart yet?”
“No . . . ”
“Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in Phoenix.”
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OH YEAH -- 'TIS THE SEASON
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A man and a women are in an elevator
As the elevator nears the top floor of the skyscraper............. the cable breaks
They begin to plummet to a most certain death
Knowing that her life is almost over the woman rips her shirt off and say to the man..................make me feel like a woman
the man then rips his shirt off and says......................OK................iron thisWhen it's my time to go, I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my uncle did....... Not screaming in terror like his passengersComment
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A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road.
The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally asked.
"Yeah," said the attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means ...
Unleaded Fuel Only."
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I introduce to you: Troll God
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Men's Christmas Wishes
As I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a woman, who's very cheap.
One who's sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she's mostly wrong.
One who sucks And doesn't speak.
And promises to do so, Once a week.
I pray that she is very randy,
'cause one like that would come in handy.
Opens her leg and lies on the floor,
And once I'm done, she begs for more.
Oh! Send me a woman who will not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and that's lots from behind!
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin'
and brings ME a beer, when she comes from the kitchen!
I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.
Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait,
So I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late.Comment
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Originally posted by Maher View Post
LOLOOLLOL, we must have been thinking on the same wavelength. Either that or I blatantly copy/pasted the post from before me just to troll you.Comment
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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the little bastard's name is Kevin."Comment
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In the middle of a trial, the judge asks the defendant:
“You didn’t bring your attorney today?”
“No, your honor. I’ve decided to tell the truth.Comment
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Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?
Woman 2: it was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: How was your evening?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there’s no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn’t paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn’t have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! After all, I was so aggravated that I couldn’t fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!Comment
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Equation 1
Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore:
Human = Donkey + Work + enjoy
Therefore:
Human-enjoy = Donkey + Work
In other words,
A Human that doesn’t know how to enjoy = Donkey that works.
++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ ++ ++
Equation 2
Man = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore:
Man = Donkey + earn money
Therefore:
Man-earn money = Donkey
In other words
Man who doesn’t earn money = Donkey
++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +
Equation 3
Woman= eat + sleep + spend
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore:
Woman = Donkey + spend
Woman – spend = Donkey
In other words,
Woman who doesn’t spend = Donkey
++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +
To Conclude:
From Equation 2 and Equation 3
Man who doesn’t earn money = Woman who doesn’t spend
So Man earns money not to let woman become a donkey!
And a woman spends not to let the man become a donkey!
So, We have:
Man + Woman = Donkey + earn money + Donkey + Spend money
Therefore from postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude
Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!Comment
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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde.
She asks, "Santa, will you stay with me?"
Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"
She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"
She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies, "Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay! I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
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At 85 years of age, a somewhat senile Morris marries Luanne, a lovely 25-year-old.
Because her new husband is so old, Luanne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, Luanne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door.
Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of Luanne, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Luanne hears another knock on her bedroom door.
It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Luanne agrees to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses Luanne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves. Luanne is set to go to sleep again.
However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again... Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.
As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, you have enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once. You're a great lover, Morris!"
Morris, looking somewhat befuddled, turns to Luanne and says...
"WHAT?...You mean I was here already?!"
My Xmas wish came true...
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The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well, DebbieLu, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So,
let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some
laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were
curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they
were drinking to her impending end.
"I've been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends were shocked, gave the woman their condolences and beat a
hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
"Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"
"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father
after I'm gone."
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In Order."
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.Comment
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Darwin Awards
For those of you who don't know what The Darwin Awards are:
Named in honor of Charles Darwin, the... -
A PRIEST has denied knowing how gay porn images appeared on a screen during a presentation he was giving to parents of children preparing for First...
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I think Rush Limbaugh may have actually been right for once, lol.
Turns out a new organism that eats oil has become abundant near... -
Gunshot victims to be suspended between life and death
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In recent years, Pyramidology has experienced a resurgence in popularity.
The pyramid shape itself is being seen as a supernatural source of power...
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