Jokes.

[GN Tobacco Sweden AB]

Teacher ask children in skool " children name an object which is heavy and light " ( object which Can be the most heavy and most light in the World) one pupile rase his hand and says " helium" -- it is not totaly correct boy( the other says "aluminium"-" not correct "- says teacher one little boy in the corner Of classroom very eger to answer rased his hand and waiting when teacher Will respond to him , finely teacher givs him à word and that boy says" Dear teacher i think that the most light and heavy thing is Penis"What ;((????"in the classroom it is quite children are afrad what teacher Can Do With that boy ;(( But teacher where very expearenced person and ask the boy"Can you explain why son?;(" "well penis is lightest in the warld becous of 1 thought it Can go up ...... And it is heaviest Becouse if it is down nothing in the World Can raise it Up"

[Premium Parrots]

Teacher ask children in skool " children name an object which is heavy and light " ( object which Can be the most heavy and most light in the World) one pupile rase his hand and says " helium" -- it is not totaly correct boy( the other says "aluminium"-" not correct "- says teacher one little boy in the corner Of classroom very eger to answer rased his hand and waiting when teacher Will respond to him , finely teacher givs him à word and that boy says" Dear teacher i think that the most light and heavy thing is Penis"What ;((????"in the classroom it is quite children are afrad what teacher Can Do With that boy ;(( But teacher where very expearenced person and ask the boy"Can you explain why son?;(" "well penis is lightest in the warld becous of 1 thought it Can go up ...... And it is heaviest Becouse if it is down nothing in the World Can raise it Up"

thats right folks....Dear Mr GN and his comedy routine will be here all week for your comedic enjoyment. lmao

[snusgetter]

Hubby was sitting at the kitchen table reading his papers
when his wife hit him in the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" the man asked.

Said the wife, "That was for the piece of paper with the
name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket."

Hubby then said, "When I was at the races last week Jenny
was the name of the horse I bet on."

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the guy's watching TV when his wife bashes
him in the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him
unconscious.

Upon regaining consciousness, the man asked why she had
hit him again.

The wife replied, "Your horse phoned."

[Premium Parrots]

Harlequin Novel, Updated.... 2011 Version:

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.
Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.
"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing,
and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs,
I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.
And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine to my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge.
A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . .

"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."

[Ansel]

I went to a zoo the other day but the only animal they had was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.

[bill77.017]

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

[Maher]

Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is

700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are

120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is

0.171 Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Now think about this: Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.

is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths

per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths

per gun owner is .0000188

Statistics courtesy of FBI


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So, statistically, doctors are approximately

9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,

BUT

Almost everyone has at least one doctor.
This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Please alert your friends to this
alarming threat. We must ban doctors
before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Out of concern for the public at large,
We withheld the statistics on lawyers
for fear the shock would cause
people to panic and seek medical attention!

[GN Tobacco Sweden AB]

Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is

700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are

120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is

0.171 Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Now think about this: Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.

is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths

per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths

per gun owner is .0000188

Statistics courtesy of FBI


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So, statistically, doctors are approximately

9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,

BUT

Almost everyone has at least one doctor.
This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Please alert your friends to this
alarming threat. We must ban doctors
before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Out of concern for the public at large,
We withheld the statistics on lawyers
for fear the shock would cause
people to panic and seek medical attention!

Hahahahahah this one i Will tell to My famaly they are Doktors

[Premium Parrots]

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue .
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[Ansel]

I left my last wife. She was cross-eyed and i could never work out if she was seeing someone else behind my back.

[Premium Parrots]

Lost woman in a hot air baloon.....

A woman in a hot-air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

[Maher]

An old, tired-looking cat wandered into my veranda. I could tell from her collar and well-fed belly that she had a home and was well taken care of.
She calmly came over to me, I gave her a few pats on her head. She then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, she went to the door, and I let her out.
The next day she was back, greeted me in my veranda, walked inside and resumed her spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to her collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet cat is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your cat comes to my house for a nap.’
The next day she arrived for her nap, with a different note pinned to her collar: ‘She lives in a home, with my non stop chatting and nagging wife, she’s trying to catch up on her sleep. …..Can I come with her tomorrow?

[roisterer]

A man is walking down a street in a strange town. The man decides to go into a bar he is passing. Though he is straight it's a gay bar. Figuring it's a modern world he goes in, sits at the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says to him, "Sure thing, you've just got to tell me the name of your penis." The man has no name for his penis & tells the bartender so. The bartender says, "Well as soon as you come up with one, I'll serve you your beer." Fresh out of ideas, the man thinks to ask the guy at the next barstool. He says, "Mine's name is Timex. Takes a licking and keeps on ticking." "Hmm, ok" the guy thinks. Asking the guy on his opposite side, he gets the answer, "Ford, Have you driven a Ford lately?" An idea comes to our protagonist and he calls the bartender over. The bartender says, "Ok, what have you got?" "I call it Secret." "Secret? Why that?" "Y'know, Secret. Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."

[Maher]

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN COMPLETE & FINISHED







No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED,
in a way that's easy to understand. Some people say there is no difference
between COMPLETE & FINISHED.




I beg to differ because, there is :





When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE".

And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!





And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...

"COMPLETELY FINISHED" !!!

[Froofather]

A long winded fart joke

I found this joke a few yrs back. High school. The tiny court yard. Normal section. (dragon kids had their corner)

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married.

It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.