Jokes.

[snusgetter]

I rear-ended a car this morning..

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly
the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo
stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and
shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then,
which one are you?'





And that's when the fight started...

[Bigblue1]

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic cop
shouted to me...
'hey, what's your disability?'
I said 'Tourettes! Now fu ck off!'
.
..
...


A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make
me happy and sad at the same time'.

His wife replies 'You've got a bigger cock than your brother'

[bill77.017]

Ha ha, these jokes are great, fellas!!!. A good laugh!!!. Keep em coming!!!


Seen in my local paper's "readers sales" section.

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica.
45 Volumes. Excellent condition.
£1000 pounds or best offer.

Reason for sale:- No longer required.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.


A Guy walked into a bar dressed in the latest designer gear, dripping with diamonds and platinum and googobs of money.
His only visible problem was that he had a very little head.
After a few drinks I had the courage to ask him what happened.
His story is that he was on vacation with his wife in the Bahamas and they had a humiliating argument. To cool down he took a walk on the beach. while picking up rocks to throw in the ocean he happened upon an intricately blown and embroidered bottle. Picking it up to brush off the sand, a genie popped out. Not your ordinary genie but an extremely beautiful genie the likes of which he had never seen. She granted him three wishes and he thought long and hard. His first wish was for a billion dollars in cash, which materialized instantly. Realizing that he had no way to move this much money, his second wish was for a fueled and piloted jet that would take him everywhere he desired. That satisfied his every wish and he looked at the beautiful genie and propositioned her for a roll in the sand. The genie said that she would love to, but she is a genie and not anatomically made like mortal women, she has no coochie.
The man then said "Then how about a little head".

[snusgetter]

Last night, my kids and I were sitting
in the living room and I said to them,
'I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine,
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever
happens, just pull the plug.'


They got up, unplugged the 'puter,
and threw out my wine.




They're such asses ...

[NonServiam]

Here's one I heard in the 3rd grade and I never forgot it. Be sure to tell it to your mother this holiday season!

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde.
She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?"
Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! Gotta deliver all the toys to all the good girls and boys!"
She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks
"Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! ! "Gotta deliver all the toys to all the good girls and boys!"
She takes off everything, climbs on Santa's lap, and asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Hey Hey Hey, I gotta stay, gotta stay! I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

[LaZeR]

[Snusdog]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent, and are asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes his faithful friend. "Kemosabe, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks Tonto.

Ranger ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Lone Ranger, you dumber than buffalo shit, someone has stolen our tent!"

Damn...............the same thing happened to Dr. Watson and Sherlock

Must be an epidemic

[snusgetter]

Damn...............the same thing happened to Dr. Watson and Sherlock

Must be an epidemic

[NonServiam]

Damn...............the same thing happened to Dr. Watson and Sherlock

Must be an epidemic

I noticed! I believe Batman and Robin were victims of someone attempting to steal their tent as well, but the thieves immediately put the tent back when they were shocked by what the duo were engaging in under the tent (not that there is anything wrong with that)

[WickedKitchen]

Men are generally not bashful about flatulence. Rob was especially proud of his gas production and he has fun with it really. He farts in his kids faces while they're watching TV, he clambakes his wife Lisa, scares the neighbors, and the like. Lisa finally got fed up with his credulous games. She screamed at him to stop and told him that one of these days he's going to fart his guts out. Bob replied that he can't help it...it's nature. When there's a fart coming, it's going to come...so why not have a little fun with it? This response only infuriated Lisa more. Well, on Thanksgiving morning Lisa had a plan. She woke @ about 5:30AM to get the turkey in the oven as the rest of her family slept in. While preparing the bird she gathered all of the innards and set them aside. Then she tiptoed upstairs to the bedroom with the neck, heart, liver, etc. in tow. She quietly lifted the covers and placed the turkey guts in Bob's boxers and then went back downstairs to await the fun. An hour or so later she hears a blood-curling scream coming from the bedroom. She nearly spit her coffee all over she was laughing so hard. Then she heard some banging, lots of moving around, and more screaming. Bob then stumbled down the stairs out of breath. His boxers were bloody, his hands were covered, and there were streaks of blood all over him. He exclaimed "Lisa! You were right! You said that one of these days I'd fart my guts out but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them all back in."

[snusgetter]

The wedding night

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school .'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'



Johnny says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...
I think... I gave him my airplane glue.'

[LaZeR]

[snusgetter]

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only
a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish
priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be
saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have
services for an animal in the church. But there are some
Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they
believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think
$5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of
Jesus! Why did ya' not tell me the dog was Catholic?

[Curtisp]

Another Lone Ranger one:


The Lone Ranger and Tonto are galloping their horses across the plains,
suddenly, Tonto rears his horse to a sudden stop, and jumps to the ground.
He kneels quickly to the ground and places his ear in the dirt.
Apache come, Kemo-sabe! he exclaims to the masked hero.
Do you hear the hooves of their horses old friend, asks the masked hero?

No, you stupid paleface replies the indian...ear all STICKY!!!

[LaZeR]