Jokes.

[Curtisp]

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[sgreger1]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little ticked off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

[sgreger1]

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . .




No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer.
That's what beer does...
Never mind.

[CoderGuy]

a little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"not yet," said the little boy.

his mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

well, he's a little ticked off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"how come i don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't i have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"well," his mother says, "i saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

the little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "you gonna tell him or should i?"

rofl lol

[Maher]

got this from a buddy

It all began with an iPhone...

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone.
He just loved it. Who wouldn't?



I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.

September came by so for her birthday i got my wife an iRon.




It was around then that the fight started . . .

What the wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital by next Thursday!

[Maher]

another one

Another side of the coin.
When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated. A couple of months later, Myrtle also died. Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe.
Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him with another woman. She ran towards him, calling his name: "Joe Darling... Joe……….."
Joe said: "Hold your horses woman, and don't 'darling' me. The deal was very clear... "Until death do us part"

[snusgetter]

The doctor told Jim that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it.

He couldn't do it in his office.

He thought about the restroom but that was too open.

He considered an alley but figured that wasn't very safe.

Finally, he realized his solution.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

A deep voice said, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

The officer replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

[precious007]

The doctor told Jim that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it.

He couldn't do it in his office.

He thought about the restroom but that was too open.

He considered an alley but figured that wasn't very safe.

Finally, he realized his solution.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

A deep voice said, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

The officer replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

=))

Hahaha

[snusgetter]

After 40 years as a gynecologist, Steve decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love ... auto mechanics.

He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard.

The day of the final exam came.

Steve worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates.

Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. Steve, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted.

The following day, Steve was surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam and spoke to the teacher after class.

"I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?"

The teacher replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine."

"I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine."

"I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."

[snusgetter]

An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000. Okay, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them --- but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'

"Nah," says the little old man. "Costs too much!"

[visiON]

I better do that some time. @above post

[bill77.017]

A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the bartender told him if he was looking for a good time, there was some one in the back room who could help him. The koala decides, why not?, and goes into the back room. There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has ever had. Afterward the prostitute turns to the koala and says, "How about my money?" The koala looks confused, and the prostitute brings out a dictionary and it says...
PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.
In response, the koala turns to the definition for koala and it says...
KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.

[CoderGuy]

a koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the bartender told him if he was looking for a good time, there was some one in the back room who could help him. The koala decides, why not?, and goes into the back room. There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has ever had. Afterward the prostitute turns to the koala and says, "how about my money?" the koala looks confused, and the prostitute brings out a dictionary and it says...
Prostitute: Has sex for money.
In response, the koala turns to the definition for koala and it says...
Koala: Eats bush and leaves.

rofl!!

[snusgetter]

Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted, but still has points of interest.

After 56, she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there, but who gives a damn.

==============================================

A huge guy marries a tiny girl.

At the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?"

The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down."

His friend says, "You know, that doesn't sound too bad."

The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to."

[KCOLLINS18]

Hopefully this will brightens somebodies day!

1. Only in America.......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

2. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

3. Only in America.....Do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

4. Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

5. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

6. EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

7. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

8. Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

9. Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

10. Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

11. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

12. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

13. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

14. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

15.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

16. You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

17. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

18. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

19.If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?