why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
'cos he was dead.
'cos he was dead.
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Bears and Party Politics;
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of
Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground
in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge
of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales"
hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while
struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself
from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came
racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The
other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious
Democrat from the bear's grasp, then using long clubs, the three loggers
finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of
their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the
back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I
give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I
heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and
Democratic Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own
eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who
was that guy?"
"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with
Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he
doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait
holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get
another one?"Comment
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Proof of who is your best friend:
This will dispel all rumors...
If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment:
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, see who is really happy to see you.Comment
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The Amish Farmer
An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down
And drinking from his farm pond.
The Amish farmer shouts:
'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.'
(Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.')
The kneeling man shouts back:
'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If
you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak in English.'
The Amish farmer says:
'Use two hands, you'll get more.'Comment
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Truth and Defiance in Humor;
A Confederate veteran whose town was occupied by a Union garrison would sit on his front porch everyday & watch the yankees drill. From time to time he would repeat the phrase, “We sure beat those yankees at Chickamauga!”
After awhile the yankees became very annoyed at the old man for repeating this phrase everyday & made him take an oath to the Union with the promise that he would stop saying this to them during their daily drills. Of course, under the circumstances he had not choice but to comply or suffer their wrath further.
So the very next day after having been made a new citizen of the Union the old man was sitting on his front porch again watching the yankee troops going through their routine daily drills to which he exclaimed, “Them Rebels sure beat us yankees at Chickamauga!"
To me the moral of this story is, there is more than one way to tell the truth.Comment
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Sex In The Shower
In a recent survey, people from the inner city in New Orleans
have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!
In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut',
a huge 91% of inner city New Orleans residents said that
they have enjoyed sex in the shower frequently.
(The other 9% said that they had not been to prison.)Comment
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Retiree Bathtub Test
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine
whether or not a retiree should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup
and a bucket to the retiree and ask him or her to empty the bathtub"
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"Comment
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What is big, red and eats rocks?
A big red rock-eater.Comment
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The exam finished, the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear
to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would
like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex, I am usually cold
and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am
usually hot and sweaty."
The doctor asked to see the elderly wife.
After examining the wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be
fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss
with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern.
He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you
the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time.
Do you know why?"
"Oh, that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time is
usually in January, and the second time is in August."Comment
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The Priest and the Rabbi
On a bright, sunny morning the Pastor of a catholic church left the rectory with a bottle of sacrificial wine that a neighboring parish needed for the weekend services. As he was driving down the road he noticed a car coming right for him. He swerved to avoid disaster but low and behold there was a collision. The pastor was jossled around a bit but was able to get out of the car. He rushed over to the other car to see if the driver was all right. He discovered a rabbi was driving this other car and that he lost control and crashed into the pastor. The pastor helped the rabbi out of his crumpled car and asked if he was Ok. The rabbi was visibly shaken but otherwise fine. The pastor immediately began to pray and thank God for sparing him and his fellow motorist. The rabbi also began to pray for being spared in this horrible accident. The pastor's eyes lit up and he declared that he had an idea. He rushed to his car and grabbed the bottle of sacrificial wine. He presented it to the rabbi with the thought that because they were spared a seemingly horrible demise they should celebrate and immediately consume the wine. The rabbi sighed a huge sigh of relief and agreed that it would be his honor to celebrate life at this moment. The rabbi grabbed the bottle and quickly guzzled ½ the bottle. He wiped his mouth and handed the bottle back to the priest who proceeded to put the cork back into the bottle and set it on the ground near the two wrecked cars. The rabbi was perplexed. He asked the priest when he was going to drink his half of the bottle and the priest smiled and replied "I think I'll wait until after the police get here."Comment
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The Two Poets
One day two poets died at the very same time. As they approached the pearly gates they were greeted by St. Peter. Much to their dismay St. Peter announced that God had a sort of affirmative action plan and that only one poet per day was allowed into heaven. St. Peter then asked the two poets for a volunteer. One poet would have to wait until tomorrow to enter but they both just looked at each other. Neither poet wanted to wait so St. Peter had to solve the dilemma. He then said that he would provide a word and each poet would have to come up with a short poem on the spot. The best poem writer would get to go in that day. They both agreed and St. Peter whispered the word Timbuktu to the first poet. He pondered for a moment and then said
"The moon is out and the stars are too...it's a beautiful night in Timbuktu." St. Peter thought that was pretty good for being off the top of his head.
The second poet heard the word and pondered. His eyes lit up and he said "I've got it!" His poem was as follows
"Tim and I. A hunting we went.
We spied three nude ladies in a tent.
They were three and we were two...
so I bucked one and Timbuktu!"Comment
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I just realized how a comic must feel doing his shtick
on TV/Video with no audience present for feedback;
Great? Good?? Bad??? Indifferent????
btw, this is no reflection on what's posted here
..... just the observation of a fractured mind!!
(and I wonder how many water coolers are blushing right now!!)
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent, and are asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes his faithful friend. "Kemosabe, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks Tonto.
Ranger ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Lone Ranger, you dumber than buffalo shit, someone has stolen our tent!"Comment
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The broken lawn mower
When our lawn mower broke down and wouldn't run,
my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But somehow I always had something else to take
care of: the truck, the car, playing golf; always
something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in
the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of
sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I
came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,
'When you finish cutting the grass, you might
as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again,
but I will always have a limp.Comment
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