Jokes.

[snusgetter]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the
cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to
praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . .
that phrase . . in no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside
their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male
parrot and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank.
Our prayers have been answered!'

[bill77.017]

Ha ha lol.

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

[snusgetter]

[bill77.017]

ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"

"I couldn't even get on the f...ing bed

[myuserid]

Jim was on the way to meet his girlfriend's parents for the first time when he passed a car lot with the shiniest motorcycle he'd ever seen.

He stopped and asked the guy how he kept it so shiny. "Every time it rains, I cover it in Vaseline and leave it out in the rain. Shines it just right every time", the guy responded.

So Jim trades in his car for the motorcycle and sets off for his girlfriend's house.

She comes out to meet him and he's showing her the bike when she tells him, "My parents are kind of weird. Nobody likes doing the dishes, so whoever talks at the table has to do them".

They go in and sit at the table and start eating. Nobody said a word, just looked at their plates and ate. Jim started wondering if he could press the situation, so he picks up his girlfriend, sets her on the table and bangs her in front of everyone.

Not a word from anybody.

So Jim takes the mother, sets her on the table and bangs her in front of everyone.

Nothing.

Just then, Jim looks out the window and sees how cloudy it is, and knows it's going to rain soon. He jumps up and goes to the bathroom and comes back through the kitchen with a jar of Vaseline.

"Hell no", says the girlfriend's Dad. "I'll do the dishes".

[snusgetter]

[snusgetter]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.

[snusgetter]

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.
"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe
a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about.
Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher,
wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly
answered, "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah,
it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second.
It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying
to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again
and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy,
I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the
teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and
fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his
hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls
on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies,
"it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly.
"Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand
in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it
got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," says Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

[snusgetter]

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital.

After a quick exam, the doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a
urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."

The old man says, "What?"

So the doctor says it again.

And once again the old man says, "What?"

So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE,
A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"


With that the old woman turns to the old man
and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

[bill77.017]

Before the examination, Scott asked the doctor if they ever laughed at their patients' problems.

The Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.

'Okay then,' Scott said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'

It's swollen,' Scott replied.

[snusgetter]

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept
people who had had a really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man,
"Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an
affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over
the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the
balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the
edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting
his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator
and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act
gave me a heart attack and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was
a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.

"Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on
the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and
slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment
below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers
with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But then the guy
dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really
start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died," he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

[Premium Parrots]

Texas sheriffs dept job interview............

A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriffs Dept. was being interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a Smith and Wesson model 1911, .45 caliber pistol across the desk, he says to the man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" the man asked.

"That's the attitude we're looking for!" said the Sergeant, "When can you start?"

[snusgetter]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns
to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the
headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine
and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into
the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom.
I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for
staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm
up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub
my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a a little head?'
... and she's always sound asleep."

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A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
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[bill77.017]

There was a midget who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" said the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.

The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."

[snusgetter]

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman, "Can I smell your c**t?"

"F**k off, no you can't smell my c**t!" the woman yells back at him.

"Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then."

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Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

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Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.

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