Jokes.

[snusgetter]

The mind is a terrible thing to waste

~
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they are physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that."

He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says,




"You forgot my toast."

[SnusoMatic]

Father and son are standing around talking right after the sons wedding. The bride is standing in a group with all her girl friends. They are all laughing, smiling and having a good time.

Son says to his father: Look at her laughing and smiling. She seems to be the happiest i have ever seen her since i first met her.

Father says to son: You know why don't you?

Son says to father: Because she loves me so much?

Father to son: No. Because she don't have to give any more head.

[LaZeR]

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman, "Can I smell your c**t?"

"F**k off, no you can't smell my c**t!" the woman yells back at him.

"Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then."

+1 Now that is funneh!

[snusgetter]

+1 Now that is funneh!

I knew I could count on you, LaZ

[bill77.017]

Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.

Q. Why don,t blind men skydive?
A. Because it scares the shit out of the dog.

Rodeo Sex.
Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?

Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.

Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".

Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.

[snusgetter]

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost.

On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The Sargent replied, "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said, "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters.

The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel.

As he stepped down from the stool, satisfied, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sargent replied, "Well sir, usually they just use the camel to ride into town to find the women.

[bill77.017]

Farting All The Time.
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

[bipolarbear1968]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years

[bipolarbear1968]

One day, LaZer came home and was greeted by his fiance dressed in a very Sexy nightie.

'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and reached for his FURBER.

[snusgetter]

A guy went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel like killing my wife. She's a redhead and is driving me nuts! You've got to help me. Please tell me what I should do."

The doctor thought for a moment.

"Look," he said, "here are some pills. Take these twice a day and they'll allow you to **** your wife six times a day. If you do this for thirty days, you'll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex."

"Wonderful, doc," said the grateful patient. "I'll start with this right away." He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face.

Nearly a month passed.

One day, while at a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely managing to move forward.

"What happened?" asked the doctor. "What happened to your redheaded wife?"

"Don't worry, doc," the patient reassured him, "two more days and she'll be dead."

[bipolarbear1968]

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken boat full of politicians. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of politicians.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son!

Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." ........and they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because politicians taste much better without the crap inside!

[snusgetter]

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-four," he said.

=================================================


Don't you think it's unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"?
--George Carlin


=================================================

The Harrisons were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Harrison made it clear he was in a big hurry.

"No fancy stuff, Doc," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Harrison pointed to his wife and said, "Show him, honey."

=================================================

A blond is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blond returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blond nods.

"I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

[CoderGuy]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

[bill77.017]

Steven Hawkins goes on a date, the first in over ten years.

He arrives back from his date with a broken wrist, broken ankle, and scuffed knees.

Apparently she stood him up.'


I’ve just got back from a muslim birthday party...................

f**k me.........
pass the parcel was over quick.



Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

Every once in a while, however, he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality: "Bob, you're a veterinarian!"

[snusgetter]

The Giant Cigarette Lighter

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow, that's a huge lighter...where did you get it?"

The guy replies "A genie from this bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?"

"Sure."

The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish" says the genie.

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"

"Done" says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and pouring in come ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"