What's the best thing about ****ing twenty-nine year olds?
There's 20 of 'em
OK I think I've posted that one before, but I like it.
There's 20 of 'em
OK I think I've posted that one before, but I like it.
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What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the first bat, "Because I f*****g didn’t"Comment
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A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars.
He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a baloney sandwich."
The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf."
The trucker says, "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."
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A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
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A guy is walking around in a supermarket yelling, "Cris-co, Cris-co?"
A store clerk says to him, "Sir, the Crisco is in Aisle Five."
He says, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I'm calling my wife."
The clerk says, "Your wife is named Crisco'?"
He says, "No, I only call her that in public."
The clerk says, "What do you call her when you're home?"
He says, "Lard ass."
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rolf =))A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars.
He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a baloney sandwich."
The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf."
The trucker says, "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."Comment
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The similarity between a panda and a virgin -
Both are very rare.Comment
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One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard.
She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class.
The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously.
At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."
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In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:
"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but being the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."Comment
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A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed.
"Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?" he asked.
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal.
As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use a spoon."
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Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store.
At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer.
When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked, "How much for the teapot?"
Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed.
She then described the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge.
From the backroom Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
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2 little old ladies are in the church... one leans over and whispers, " I wish this finishes faster, my butt fell asleep....."
The other lady whispers back and says .... I know.. I heard it snore 4 times!Comment
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A blind man was walking down the street with his dog.
They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the man's leg.
As the dog finished, the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog.
A passerby saw what was happening and was shocked.
She approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty act.
The blind man replied, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass."
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She married and had 13 children.
Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children.
Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Then she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."Comment
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One time in church I saw a woman light up a cigarette
I was so shocked, that I almost spilled my beer.Comment
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Can We get Married in Heaven??
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... For a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work?
Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Another month passed St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground..
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"Comment
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Pamela Anderson and the Queen of England die on the same day. As they are approaching the gates of heaven, God tells them that there is only ONE spot left.
Knowing this, Pamela decides to seduce God by showing her bare breasts.
God looks at them and says, “Very nice.”
“Does that mean I”m in?” says Pamela.
God looks over to his side and sees the Queen of England douching in the corner.
He looks back at Pamela and says, “Sorry, a royal flush always beats a pair.”Comment
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Originally posted by bill77.017 View Post
LOOLOOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO. Delightfully distastefull... like hooters.Comment
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