Jokes.

[precious007]

12. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

LoL

A broker is a party that makes a transactions between a buyer and a seller, and gets a commission when the deal is executed.

There's a difference between a broker and an investor or business partner :P

Then the question would be ... Why is life so weird sometimes ... because that's all left to be questioned :-)

Because a plain simple life wouldn't be interesting enough. :P

[WickedKitchen]

When you get dressed in the morning you always put on your left sock last.

Doesn't matter which one you put on first...the other one is left.

[snusgetter]

When you get dressed in the morning you always put on your left sock last.

Doesn't matter which one you put on first...the other one is left.

And when someone asks, "Are you alright?"
Your answer should be, "No, I'm half left!"

[precious007]

------------------

- Oh sure ...... I'd like to help you out!

- Which way did you come in ?

[snusgetter]

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes.

When he gets to the store he finds it closed.

So the guy ends up going to the bar up the road to use the vending machine.

While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl.

He has a few more beers and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite an exciting time.

Suddenly he realizes it's 3 am.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaims. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands.

When he gets home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her."

"Let me see your hands!" she demands.

He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

[CoderGuy]

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes.

When he gets to the store he finds it closed.

So the guy ends up going to the bar up the road to use the vending machine.

While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl.

He has a few more beers and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite an exciting time.

Suddenly he realizes it's 3 am.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaims. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands.

When he gets home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her."

"Let me see your hands!" she demands.

He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

LOL Will have to try that

[WickedKitchen]

It would also be a good idea to stop at a Taco Bell and wrap a burrito around your member so that the scent of a woman isn't detected by the other...

[Ainkor]

It would also be a good idea to stop at a Taco Bell and wrap a burrito around your member so that the scent of a woman isn't detected by the other...

Or you could just never shower. Granted, that may make it impossible to get ANY woman, but hey!

[Maher]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque.



When he finally got to the counter and said, "Hi. You know.... I just HATE drawing welfare! I'd really rather have a job!"



The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and Bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.



You'll have to drive her around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.



"Because of the long hours, a room & meals will be provided.



You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.



This is rather awkward to say, but as part of your job assignment, you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges,



since the daughter is in her mid-20s and has a rather strong sex drive."



The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"



The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... you started it."

[visiON]

Or you could just never shower. Granted, that may make it impossible to get ANY woman, but hey!

Already doing that, might be a coincidence no girl talks to me..

[sgreger1]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know . . . I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The welfare clerk behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but as part of your job assignment, you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20s and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The welfare clerk said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."

[CoderGuy]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know . . . I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The welfare clerk behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but as part of your job assignment, you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20s and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The welfare clerk said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."

Was funnier 2 post ago LOL

[Maher]

Was funnier 2 post ago LOL

lol, I beat him to it

[devilock76]

A traveling salesman goes into a bar with two roll of quarters to play the Megatouch machine at the bar, his favorite way to pass time on the road.

While sitting at the bar he notices one of those large bulk pretzel jars, almost like a tip jar on the bar but it is filled with $100 bills. So he calls the bartender over to ask him if those are his tips?

The bartender explains that no they are part of a contest we have here at the bar, you put $100 in the jar and have to face three challenges, if you surmount all three you win all the money in the jar, and no one has done it yet.

So the salesman asks what the challenges are.

So the bartender points to the back of the bar and says, "See that big biker over there playing pool, you have to go pick a fight with him and knock him out." The guy looks back and sees a 6'7" guy that must weigh at least 350 lbs and asks, "What's the second challenge?"

So the bartender motions over his shoulder to the side and says, "See that door there to next to the bar, it leads into the alley by the building, chained out there is a mean as cuss rottweiler that hates everyone, he has a bad tooth, the next challenge is to pull the bad tooth from the rottweiler."

The salesman says, "What the hell is the third challenge?"

So the bartender points to the far corner of the bar and says, "See those stairs over there, well up those stairs and down the hall to the third door on the left is a woman who has been a hooker for 40 years and has never had an orgasm. You have to go and pleasure her till she has an orgasm."

Well upon hearing these insane challenges the sales man decides never mind and goes back to his drink and the mega touch machine. Figures there are better ways to spend $100.

Well about an hour or two passes and he uses his first roll of quarters, has had a good number of doubles and develops some "whiskey courage". So he gets up, puts $100 in the jar and starts marching back towards the biker at the pool table. Well people look up and start to take notice at the latest sucker in the contest. As he is walking back there he reaches his hand into his pocket and grabs the other roll of quarters. He goes to the biker, taps on his shoulder, and as the biker is turning around he cold decks him with his hand clenched around the roll of quarters and the biker drops and out.

Well it is one of those bar moments in the movies where the jukebox skips and now everyone is looking, no one has ever even gotten this far. The salesman turns around and marches towards the door going, "Ok Rottwiler." He kicks the door open marches out there and everyone in the bar gets their ear to the wall. They hear, woof woof, growl grr growl grr, whimper, whimper, howl howl HOOOWWWWLLLL.

They move back to their seats, and just after the salesman limps through the door. He is covered in blood, ripped up clothing, basically looks like he has been in a car accident.

The bartender say, "wow 2 down 1 to go, but are you ok?"

The salesman shakes off the question but then asks, "OK, so where is that hooker with the bad tooth?"

Ken

[WickedKitchen]

Ok, well I don't know if my buddy was messin' with me or not, but either way it's good enough for this thread.

He was minding his 10y/o nephew and the kid told him that the first humans were made from God and called Adam and Eve, and that we did not evolve from monkeys. Well, my buddy then asked him if they were white. The kid said that they were 'cos that's what he sees in the pictures. My buddy then asked him where all the Chinese people came from, and the Puerto Ricans, and the Africans. He simply replied..."oh, they came from monkeys."