Jokes.

[Maher]

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.'

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?' 'I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else; but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Bob's funeral will be held on Friday.

[Maher]

please forgive me if this is a repeat but me thinks it is nice

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!" There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are v i sitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.


The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

[Premium Parrots]

darn it.......

I saw a fundamentalist Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River this morning; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.
Along with him was an illegal Hispanic drug cartel member who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.

If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland Security.
It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.

[Maher]

DATING DICTIONARY

ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.

EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

PRIG - a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married.

EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few weeks together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nighty.

SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.

[Premium Parrots]

DATING DICTIONARY

ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.

EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

PRIG - a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married.

EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few weeks together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nighty.

SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.

VIRGIN - the term commonly used by women to entice men into dating them. Tho, more than likely its a lie.

[snusgetter]

The train was quite crowded and a US Marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a
well-dressed French woman, but when he got there he saw it
was taken by the woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular,
"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat
available was the one under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are
also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word. He just picked up the
little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American
in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.

"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the
wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive
your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you
seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[AtreyuKun]

I don't know why, but this one made me laugh.



Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again.

[Connavar]

a man walks into a bar up to the bartender and demands that he pour him a glass of 30 year old scotch.
the bartender pulls out a glass and pours the drink
the man sips on it and throws the glass against the wall and says " that was 15 year old i said 30 damnit!"
the bar tender pulls out another glass and pours him another drink of scotch
the man sips this time and once again throws the glass and says" are you stupid, i said 30 year old, that was 20!"
the bartender getting irritated with the customer walks to the store room to find another bottle
after several minutes he walks back up with a fresh glass and sets it down in front of the man.
the man grabs the glass and takes a large drink and spits it out almost instantly shouting " dear lord that tastes like piss!"
the bartender smiling responds "thats great!! now can you tell me how old i am?"

[Maher]

Subject: Bible logic

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as
to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up
from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer,
and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up
and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and

I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

You're going to love the Dad's reply:



'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

[xrt]

Subject: Bible logic

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as
to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up
from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer,
and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up
and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and

I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

You're going to love the Dad's reply:



'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

Hah Hah Hah, that made my day. Thanks xD

[timoteo]

Has anybody herd about the kid in Maryland that got arrested for robbing houses because he left his cell phone behind charging at one of the houses.. pretty funny.

That dude is from my home town and an old friend of a friend of mine. He was always pretty weird, but I dont think any of us would of guessed he was a thief.

But on the light side, at least we finnaly know what happened to all the change that went missing at my friends house..

edit: this is a true story, you can google it. just search idiot robber.

[jagmanss]

A mom is tidying her son's bedroom and finds a hidden stack of bondage and fetish magazines... She asks hers husband what she should do and he says "DO NOT FRICKIN SPANK HIM!!!!"

[Hanske]

I do not know a single joke... I know some Swedish jokes, though...

In 1868 a Swede invented the toilet seat. In 1869 a Norwegian put a hole in it

I guess this isn't really funny if you aren't Norwegian.

===========================================

This Norwegian skier, Oddbjørn Hjelmeset (feel free to laugh of the name), is asked a question in Japanese at the press conference in Sapporo, Japan, after the world cup. Here's his answer.

[WickedKitchen]

That's pretty funny with the skier.

[Hanske]

He seems very happy with himself there