Jokes.

[precious007]

A little girl comes in with her dad to the hairdresser. She sits beside the barber on a chair, eating a donut while her dad is clipped. The barber smiles at her and tells her kindly:
- Hmmm, I am afraid there will be hair on your donut!
- I know .... I know . And my tits will grow as well .......

[Maher]

Mick met Paddy in the street and said, "Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?"
''Why?" Paddy asked.
"Because," said Mick, "the whole street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday."
Paddy said, "Stupid idiots, the laugh's on them ... I wasn't home yesterday."

[Premium Parrots]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

[Hanske]

This isn't a joke, it's a true story. I read it on a Norwegian board.

A guy worked in Smart Club, a Norwegian equalent to Wal-Mart. A British woman came in with her new TV, and claimed it was obsessed by the devil. He asked why, and do you know the reason? God Channel didn't work!

[Xobeloot]

How do you make 5lbs of fat look good?...








Put a nipple on it.

[Maher]

Take a BREAK... ENJOY THE JOKE!!

* They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true. As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.



* Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in Bed.



* Q: Why do women live longer than men?

A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!



* Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.

After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue.. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.



* Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.



* Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr: Get married..

Man: Will it help?

Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.



* Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!



* Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

[charmando]

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."

Well , Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So , he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal , shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's , "Shhh. They're getting closer...."

[charmando]

There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?" She replies "A cock." He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough.

A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies "A cock". He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well.

A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?" She giggles and says "A pee-pee" He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman.

They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee." He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."

She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."

[ProudMarineDad]

The Dog and The Leopard

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his
faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts
chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is
lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly
in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now."

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and
immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to
the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly,
"Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any
more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in
mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away
into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard, "That was close.
That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and
trade it for protection from the leopard.

So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard
with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The
monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,
"Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to
that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back,
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his
attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

Just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says,

"Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him.
I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard,
and he's still not back!!"

[precious007]

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

[snusgetter]

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

Hmmmm... thought this ^ sounded familiar .....................

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital.

After a quick exam, the doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a
urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."

The old man says, "What?"

So the doctor says it again.

And once again the old man says, "What?"

So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE,
A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"


With that the old woman turns to the old man
and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

[precious007]

Hmmmm... thought this ^ sounded familiar .....................

LMAO!!!

Didn't see it posted yet

but it's damn hilarious :^)

[Maher]

An old fly fisherman comes in from the stream, & heads for the nearest tavern. As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old fisherman walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of other sun-wrinkled fly fishermen. She glides down behind the bar to the old fisherman.
"Yes?" she inquires w/ a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old fisherman leans over the bar & whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes w/ that wide smile & purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure am."
The old fisherman leans closer & into her left ear says softly, "Well, wash your hands real ****ing good because I want a cheeseburger."

[Premium Parrots]

a friend sent me this one. I love it.......for obvious reasons.


Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi, Wanda!

2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

PRICELESS

[GN Tobacco Sweden AB]

a friend sent me this one. I love it.......for obvious reasons.


Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi, Wanda!

2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

PRICELESS

Great Joke