Jokes.

[bill77.017]

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---


How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!


What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.


What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.


If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.


Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.


Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Lol. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

[Premium Parrots]

Lol. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

lmao good one.

[whalen]

Went to nurse with rash on my balls. She looked and told me to stop masturbating, I asked why, she said "because I'm trying to examine you"

Hello, "I shit my pants thread", we got another one..............................!

[Kstolen23]

This'll be worth the read . . .

The Chicken and the Horse

There once was a chicken and a horse that lived in a farm
When the farmer would fall asleep the chicken and the horse would go for a walk
One day, the horse fell knee deep in mud and could not escape and said to the chicken,
''Quick chicken, get the farmers BMW and some rope and pull me out!''
And the chicken did so and they went home,
A few days later they went for another walk
this time the chicken fell knee deep in mud and could not get out and said,
''Quick horse, get the farmers BMW and some rope and pull me out!'' To which the horse replied,
''No, wait. I'll just pull my dick out and you can grab onto it and then I'll pull you in.''
and they did so and it worked and they then went home safely.

So the moral of the story is,

If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pull chicks in!

[Kstolen23]

Maybe it's because I've told it so many times. . . But that ^ doesn't sound as funny as when I normally tell it. : /

[triplethreat675]

Best divorce letter ever!

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.

The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again but that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.

This is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie. I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close."

Two weeks ago I met this girl at Flamingoes and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19 with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. F***ing like you wouldn't believe and ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right?

As I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my modestly attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty shameless hunger; but something also, some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol that singe mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later; but that's no the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can here us. And all of the sudden, she sports that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves and it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too because I can't help thinking "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vickie’s just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together. Connie, she really is.

So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bath and taking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looks like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring all I can do is think of you? It's true Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please please please, let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the f***ing remote is?

Love Dan

[Premium Parrots]

lmao. I knew it was going to be good if TripleT posted it.

[Ainkor]

otherwise, can you let me know where the f***ing remote is?

Love dan

rofl!

[Kstolen23]

Truly amazing ^

[triplethreat675]

Couple military jokes and a story:

An Airborne soldier returns home from training and sits down to talk with his pa who was a career Airborne Ranger. His pa asks him how his first jump out of a perfectly good aircraft was and the soldier gets red in the face and replies
soldier: Wasnt quite how I imagined it
Father: really? whys that?
soldier: I got to the edge looked out, felt the air rushing by at 150 MPH and had second thoughts...
father: go on
soldier: I looked back at the jumpmaster and he said "JUMP OR I'LL F*** YOU IN THE A**"
father: so did you jump?
soldier: yeah.... a little at first

A seaman aquaintance of mine told me about his first year on an aircraft carrier in the pacific, he said it was impressive, they have everything you could ever imagine right there on the boat. a gym, a caffeteria, all the entertainment a sailor could ever want, a satelite internet room, and they even have a program to service your more private needs. Being in the Army I inquired about these services kinda puzzled. He told me it was pretty simple and it was open every morning and night. you would simply strip down to your scivies and get in line. Once you got to the front of the line there was a barrel with a hole just big enough to fit your member in. So when it was your turn you pulled him out stuck him in and wala! but apparently the last week he was on the ship it didnt go so well. It all started when he got in line to be "serviced" and the line wrapped around the dining facility and all the way back to the other end of the ship. He sat in line for several minutes without it budging an inch and finnally asked the guy in front of him what the hold up was. The sailor replied "Its your turn in the barrel".

So on my first deployment to Iraq, we had a Major from the rear join us overseas for the first time. So being that he was new I told one of my privates to show him around the FOB (forward operating base) so the private greeted him as he came off the bird and began showing him around. He took the Major to our tent and helped him get settled in. As they were leaving the tent for chow the Major inquired about the male camel tied up behind the tent. The private laughed and explained to the Major that we had all been in the desert for several months without our loved ones and that we all had needs... the Major became disgusted and ranted and raved for a couple days. A month and half later I could tell the Major was really missing his wife and began looking at the camel with less and less disgust each passing day. And then one night as I was leaving the tent to use the latreen I heard some strange noises coming from just outside the back flap so I went out to investigate. Low and behold theres the Major standing on two milkcrates trousers around his ankles behind the camel! To this day I still cant bring myself to tell him that the rest of us just rode the camel to town to find a whore!

[Maher]

She sends the following message:

My love

If you're sleeping, send me your dreams

If you're smiling, send me your smile

If you're crying, send me your tears

I love you





He replied:

I'm in the bathroom

What do I send?

[sebasmun]

Man, i though i had other 'favorite' threads i checked often.
But this thread became my way of life!

Very good job guys,, really funny sh.it!!!!

[MrYUNO]

Inmate, Y U NO drop the soap?

[whalen]

Inmate, Y U NO drop the soap?

Yu No, that is the only Yu no joke so far that was funny! And it was still rather flaccid as joke! Yu No that it will get old fast, right?!

[Maher]

A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping on her bed, unclothed...
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."
The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year-old ass?"
"Your name never came up", she replied.