Jokes.

[Maher]

A wife asked her husband to describe her.

He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K'.

She said, 'What does that mean?' He said Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot'.


She said, 'Oh that's so lovely!! What about I, J, K?'

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He said I'm Just Kidding.

[Monkey]

A young couple are climbing a mountain and on the way up fall to their deaths.

They wind up on a beautiful beach with stretches of forest leading up to a mountain. They are sure it is heaven.

Poof! Out of nowhere a great red devil appears in a hawaiian shirt sippin a margarita.

He says,"Het what's up guys. I am Satan....welcome to hell. There is a tiki bar on the beach, swimming, games and, since you two are such avid mountain climbers why don't you guys try out that mountain over there. It will always be the right challenge no matter how good you get. Whatever you do just relax and have fun. Allright, I will check in with you later."

They go check out the beach and are astounded to see exactly what he described. They decide to try out the mountain and start climbing. The mountain is the perfect challenge for them and they feel a great sense of accomplishment when they reach the top.

They see the mountain is hollow and inside are souls being tortured by demons and hanging in chains.

They run back to the beach screaming the whole way. When they get to where they first appeared they come across Satan.

They start babbling about the torture and demons when Satan holds up his hands.

The couple ask if this is indeed hell.

Satan replies "Yes."

The couple asks about the people in the mountain being tortured.

Satan replies,"I don't understand myself but that's how the christians want it."

[Ainkor]

I'll throw this here, since I think it's kinda funny :P

For years, I've had intentions to write a short story about the "end of the world". I had planned to release it around august of next year to get people worked up for the Mayan prediction, but I'll give you guys a sneak peak. I'll change the dates in honor of today. BTW, I am writing this half asleep so go nice on the grammar errors

Here is the start:

Throughout history man has made feeble attempts at predicting the end times. Call it our fatalist tendacies or our huge ego, but let me tell you, it is real my friends. The story I am about to share with you is real, has and is happening at this very time. The government has gone to great lengths to keep it hidden from you. They don't want you to know the truth.

Dateline 5-21-11 10:00pm Eastern Daylight Savings time, Washington DC:

Local IRS programmer, Fred Johnson goes missing

A local IRS comptuter programmer, Fred Johnson went missing at approximately 6pm local time today. He was out walking his dog according to his neighbors when a local homeless guy stumbled across what could only be discribed as an odd scene. Fred's shoes, shorts, underwear and shirt were found behind the Winn Dixie on East Main St. Police Seargent Dick Masters was first on the scene and had nothing to say to us about the incident. As we learn more we will share the news with you. Fred was working on a new taxation project for the IRS in an attempt to improve collection rates. As the financial crisis worsens, the IRS sees the opportunity to improve collection rates as a sure fire way to make sure the government gets what they are owed.

This is summary of the rest of the story, so just enjoy the outline and use your imagination :P

Readers Digest Version:

The government realizes that the rapture did indeed happen. The odd thing is that only Fred was taken, from the whole world. Obama was heard laughing a bit at the irony that a tax guy was the only guy to get raptured.

Had the program that Fred was writing gone live, the IRS expected to collect trillions more dollars in tax revenue. Fred was a freaking math genius and there is no one else around who can even begin to understand the mathematics he used so the program will have to be abandoned. Since trillions of dollars are at risk, the government looks at Fred's disappearance as an act of war that threatens our sovereignty.

Seal Team 6 goes into action again and busts into the Vatican and arrests the Pope (who ironically wasn't raptured) and brings him to the US to stand trial for the disappearance of Fred.

The Pope is found guilty of inciting public unrest and is sentenced to life in prison at the Bosman Montana Secret facility and is bunking with Osama.

End of summary

I was either planning on writing a short story but I think a fake blog type scenario would be better :P

Live blog on a site listing fake crap would be kinda funny IMO

[triplethreat675]

So there were two life long friends named Chad and PP, these two guys grew up together, went to the same school, played the same sports and even dated the same girl. Throughout their lives they lived a mirror image of the other. Well one fateful day they were driving together in Chads car when Chad lost control and hit a big oak at 55, both Chad and PP were killed instantly. PP realizes he's at the pearly gates and is granted access to heaven, surprised, he is elated to have actually made it past the gate until he looks around and realizes that his lifelong friend Chad is nowhere to be seen. Now depressed he questions God, "where is my friend we lived our lives exactly the same and theres no way he survived that gnarly wreck". God replies by pointing at the floor. PP busts out in tears and exclaims "I don't understand, I never got to make my peace with him" God replies "my dear child would you like to make peace with your lifelong friend?" PP looks up at god wipes his cheek and nods his head yes. With a snap of Gods fingers an elevator appears. PP and God board the elevator and the elavator drops down...down...down...down...down...down...down...down.. .and finnally comes to a stop. Fearing what he might see PP is dreading the door opening but to his suprise the doors swing open and there stand his best friend Chad in between two of the most georgeous blondes he has ever seen. And they're naked. He looks around and sees several other scantily clad women. The room is furnished in the finest marble and leather. Then he spots the bar, and its not just your run of the mill bar, this ones fully stocked with all the good shit, every bottle still full. At this point PP is wishing this was his destiny too. He turns to God and asks, "can I get out of the elevator, or is that against the rules?" God replies "go ahead my son" PP steps off the elevator and heads for the finest bottle of Vodka and asks God "Is it okay if I drink Hells liquor?" God chuckles and replies "go ahead". Thirsty, PP spins off the top puts the bottle to his lips and is surprised when the vodka doesnt flow free of the bottle. Puzzled he looks over to his best friend and says "what the hell is this shit?" His friend laughs and replies "we're in hell the bottles dont have hole and niether do the women!"

[Frosted]

In the maternity wigwam, there were 3 squaws in labour.

The one on the left was lying on a horse skin, the one on the right was lying on a buffalo skin and the one in the middle was lying on a hippo skin.

The one on the hippo skin gave birth to twins, the other two gave birth to single babies.

This goes to prove that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the two adjacent hides.

[Premium Parrots]

So there were two life long friends named Chad and PP, these two guys grew up together, went to the same school, played the same sports and even dated the same girl. Throughout their lives they lived a mirror image of the other. Well one fateful day they were driving together in Chads car when Chad lost control and hit a big oak at 55, both Chad and PP were killed instantly. PP realizes he's at the pearly gates and is granted access to heaven, surprised, he is elated to have actually made it past the gate until he looks around and realizes that his lifelong friend Chad is nowhere to be seen. Now depressed he questions God, "where is my friend we lived our lives exactly the same and theres no way he survived that gnarly wreck". God replies by pointing at the floor. PP busts out in tears and exclaims "I don't understand, I never got to make my peace with him" God replies "my dear child would you like to make peace with your lifelong friend?" PP looks up at god wipes his cheek and nods his head yes. With a snap of Gods fingers an elevator appears. PP and God board the elevator and the elavator drops down...down...down...down...down...down...down...down.. .and finnally comes to a stop. Fearing what he might see PP is dreading the door opening but to his suprise the doors swing open and there stand his best friend Chad in between two of the most georgeous blondes he has ever seen. And they're naked. He looks around and sees several other scantily clad women. The room is furnished in the finest marble and leather. Then he spots the bar, and its not just your run of the mill bar, this ones fully stocked with all the good shit, every bottle still full. At this point PP is wishing this was his destiny too. He turns to God and asks, "can I get out of the elevator, or is that against the rules?" God replies "go ahead my son" PP steps off the elevator and heads for the finest bottle of Vodka and asks God "Is it okay if I drink Hells liquor?" God chuckles and replies "go ahead". Thirsty, PP spins off the top puts the bottle to his lips and is surprised when the vodka doesnt flow free of the bottle. Puzzled he looks over to his best friend and says "what the hell is this shit?" His friend laughs and replies "we're in hell the bottles dont have hole and niether do the women!"

I knew Chad was going to hell

[Premium Parrots]

I got this in an email today from an old friend..........



Hey Glenn... For some reason I thought of you after reading this joke. I don't know why?



Doctor Glenn had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No

matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The

guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head

that said, 'Glenn, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner

to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go, Glenn.'

But, invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,

whispering: Glenn.................





You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard!!!

[CoderGuy]

I got this in an email today from an old friend..........



Hey Glenn... For some reason I thought of you after reading this joke. I don't know why?



Doctor Glenn had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No

matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The

guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head

that said, 'Glenn, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner

to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go, Glenn.'

But, invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,

whispering: Glenn.................





You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard!!!

LMAO! I can see why he thought of you.

[Premium Parrots]

got this in an email from my financial planner...


VERY IMPORTANT FACTS FROM YOUR FINANCIAL ADVISER!

A single guy was living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment seminar, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card .... And three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[CoderGuy]

got this in an email from my financial planner...


VERY IMPORTANT FACTS FROM YOUR FINANCIAL ADVISER!

A single guy was living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment seminar, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card .... And three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

LMAO. Well the fact that he felt he needed a wife to share his fortune should have rendered him mentally unfit.

[Hanske]

Well, it isn't a joke, but... This is an episode fo "tullefonen", and Norwegian adaption of the British show "Fonejacker". An American tourist calls a restaurant in Oslo, asking for "pinnekjøtt" (traditional Norwegian lamb ribs), lutefisk (dried fish), fløtegratinerte poteter (creamed potatos) and tilslørte bondepiker (creamy Norwegian dessert)

http://www.vgtv.no/?id=41000


EDIT: Btw, the conversation is in English.

[Maher]

John walked into a sports cafeteria around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a fool at the cafeteria.
And stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story of a man on the
ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The fool looked at John and said,
“Do you think he’ll jump?”
John said, ”You know, I bet he’ll jump.”
The fool replied, ”Well, I bet he won’t.”
John placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
“You’re on!”
Just as the fool placed his money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.
The fool was very upset,
But willingly handed his $20 to John.
“Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”
John replied, ”I can’t take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, So I knew he would jump.”
The fool replied, ”I did, too,
But I didn’t think he’d do it again.”
John took the money.

[Maher]

An Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck ownerfor a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the manbehind the wheel handed the officer his driver’s license, insurance card anda concealed weapon carry permit.

The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr .Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?" The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a.45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot." The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"

"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat." The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns.

May I ask what you are afraid of? Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered,

"Not a ****ing thing!"

[Premium Parrots]

excellent!!

[HK11]

What's the worst part about babysitting children??


Getting blood on your clownsuit.