Jokes.

[Froofather]

Ancient Chinese Torture

Another great one I found in high school. One of my all time faves. Enjoy.

A man was traveling through the jungle for days growing tired he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night. After knocking on the door an old Chinese guy with a beard that reached the floor answers. The man asked him if he could stay the night and the Chinese guy agreed as long as he didn't screw his granddaughter. Before the guy could agree the old man warned him that if he did he would perform the three greatest Chinese tortures on him. The guy says o.k. and the man lets him in.

When it was time for dinner the man meets the granddaughter and she is the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. So after he figured the old man was asleep he went into her room and made love to her.

The next morning the man awoke with a 100lbs rock on his chest with a sign "first Chinese torture wake up with 100 pound rock on chest". Being a strong man he thought nothing of it and picked up the rock and threw it out the window but on the back of the rock there was another sign reading "2nd Chinese torture, right ball tied to rock". Thinking quickly the man jumped out the window but on the other side of the window there was another sign reading 3rd Chinese torture test left nut tied to bed post"...

[Lobstersnuser]

Rotten Eggs

A drunk staggers into an all-night cafe. Finally, after he's seated, a waitress approaches. "I'll have an egg & cheese omelet", he mutters.

The waitress rushes into the kitchen to relay the order to which the chef replies, "Gee, I have plenty ham but the only eggs I have left are spoiled rotten". "Thats alright" she contends, "The guys so wasted he'll never know the difference."

With tears running down his face from the stench, the cook prepares the order. The waitress rushes the plate out to the drunk and he digs in voraciously. As she's walking away in amazement, he hollers: "Excuse me Miss, but do you have a rooster for the hens that laid those eggs." "No," she replies. "Why?" The drunk wipes his chin and states emphatically, "Well, you'd better get one, cause there's a skunk been f...ing your chickens."

[Maher]

Wife: What do you like most about me, my Beauty or my Intelligence?
Husband: I love it more when you joke like this!!

———————
Sameer: Ahmed, what exactly is happiness?

Ahmed: Frankly speaking, I don’t know. I married at a young age.

Wife: Please give me $250 for home expenses.
Husband: You need to have intelligence, more than having money.
Wife: I am asking only that which you have!!!
———————
When a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, It is love;
After marriage: It is self-defense
———————
Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.
It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!
———————
A friend recently explained why he refuses to get to married.
He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.

[Mdisch]

I do not know a single joke... I know some Swedish jokes, though...

In 1868 a Swede invented the toilet seat. In 1869 a Norwegian put a hole in it

I guess this isn't really funny if you aren't Norwegian.

===========================================

This Norwegian skier, Oddbjørn Hjelmeset (feel free to laugh of the name), is asked a question in Japanese at the press conference in Sapporo, Japan, after the world cup. Here's his answer.

Hehehe Both of these are hilarious! Oddbjørn is THE MAN!

[Maher]

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!This is so priceless and so easy to see happening customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and the Royal Bank billed her for February andMarch for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance hadBeen $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the Royal Bank:

Family Member:'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

Royal Bank:'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Royal Bank:'Since it is two months past due, it already has been..'

Family Member:So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Royal Bank PAC:'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her toThe credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Royal Bank:'Excuse me?'

Family Member:'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about herbeing dead?'

Royal Bank:'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone. Family Member:'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

Royal Bank:'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still happly.'

Family Member:'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Royal Bank:(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)

Royal Bank:'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax.

Royal Bank:'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member:'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

Royal Bank:'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:'Would you like her new billing address?'

Royal Bank:'That might help.'

Family Member:' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number1049.'

Royal Bank:'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'.............

[snusgetter]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count
as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and
bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this.

First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her
teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[snusgetter]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

The first of the twosome teed off.

She watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and rolled around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

She said, "Let me help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain."

"Oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right... I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly.

But he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

She persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side.

She loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside.

She began to massage him.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."